Hard As A Rock
Monday, March 31, 2008
X owns my dreams...

One night, we're on date in the middle of the day

the next, we're both being cast in a play

on another, i'm handing her a bear as she runs to catch a flight on Korean Air.

She owns my dreams.

Friday, January 18, 2008
Dreaming of Dating

For the last two nights I've been dreaming of dating.

Yes, very clear, vivid, intense dreams about dating. No sex. No making out. Just fun, friendly, GREAT dates.

Predictably, one of the dates was with X. It was incredible. The intensity of the connection we both felt, the feeling of being there, across from her, next to her in the car. It was amazing.

Last night, I was on a date with a co-worker who actually lives and works in another state. It was so much fun. She commented on how solid my arms are (they are much stronger now b/c i've been lifting weights 4-5 times a week). It felt great to hear her words. We laughed, we went shopping and to lunch.

Maybe this "virtual" dating will hold me over for a bit. I definitely noticed that I felt much more confident and stronger than I've ever felt. Which mirrors my current reality -- where I'm in better physical shape, I'm loving my job, and I feel much more confident meeting new people and in new situations. I would say I wish I had been "this me" ten years ago -- but I'm just glad I'm discovering "me" now.

Anyway, onto work. And then to sleep -- and the next date!

Thursday, January 10, 2008
What Have I Done?

A perfect convergence of events led me to ask the question: What Have I Done?

A long drive with time to think, finding my ACT score report in the attic a few days ago, and an incredibly powerful movie in a nearly empty theatre.

And I ask: What have I done?

What have I done with the many opportunities I have been given? Not enough.

What have I done with the life I've made for myself? Not enough.

What have I done with the training I've received in college and at work? Not enough.

What have I done with what was once a very present hunger for justice and thirst for opportunity? Not enough.

What have I done with the natural gifts I've been given? Not enough.

I have lived a nice, quiet, middle class life. Sure, it has had its bumps and detours, but it has been a nice, quiet middle class life.

I've gone to college, earned graduate degrees, and had interesting jobs that pay reasonably well.

And what have I done with these gifts? Not enough.

I am capable of more. I know my potential. Others have seen it, tapped into it at times, challenged me to be my best. And at times, I have been. But not enough.

At the height of this realization, in the middle of that movie, i cried. I really, really cried. Like I haven't in a while. I knew how it would end, I wanted to leave and get to "work."

But I stayed, I watched it all. I cried again.

And now, I've taken time to write it out.

To commit to seeing my best, finding it, and doing it. All the time!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

is still around.

She is lovely.

someone the other day told me they thought of her as "strange."

which makes her all the more appealing to me.

she is bright, funny, lovely, and keeps to herself.

we've both changed jobs this year. And yet we actually have a closer relationship than we did when we worked at the same place.

i want to kiss her

more than i've wanted to kiss someone in a while.

she wants to kiss me

i know she does

and yet our relationship is mostly professional, kind, friendly -- never coming close to crossing a line

but i can't stop

imagining that embrace, that first touch, the taste of her lips on mine.

at the same time that I'm moving toward getting my wife "back," my desire for X is not subsiding.

Perhaps because what we're going through (my wife and I), is a struggle and requires a lot of effort, I can't help but think about ... what if.

and today on the way in to work, i thought of March of 2000. Of the call from my then-fiance. Of her cold declaration that we were no longer going to be married.

for three days, we talked. for 3 days, i thought for sure we were done. i was a zombie at work, i couldn't sleep. i wondered why i had moved from a good job in a town i liked to be closer to her so we could be married. I couldn't believe that 2 weeks into a new life for me, the life I had dreamed of for 3 years was over.

I felt lost.

For all my life, I will never forget this time. I don't know if my wife will ever know the lasting impact those 3 days had on me.

We finally "made up." Things were back on track.

and we're approaching 8 years of marriage.

you can't look back and say "what if." I may have moved back to the town i liked and gotten a different job. I may have had a different path in my new job. I may never have gotten the job that led me to meeting X.

I can't change those things. I made a decision after that 3rd day and its impact is still playing out.

My wife is a good partner in a lot of ways. And every relationship has its struggles.

I still long for more in some ways.

For the complete picture. For both a solid partner who shares responsbilities and is good at finances and values intimacy and likes to go to movies and will cook for me once in a while and is attractive and not so negative, etc. etc.

I feel like I offer a lot. Sure, I have my deficiencies, too. But since I have a lot to offer, and provide a high level of attention to my partner/our relationship, i expect the same in return.

That's all. Give as much as you get.

And the day after the 3rd day in March of 2000 ... here's what I've learned: when someone says they don't want to be with you anymore, that's a pretty strong message. As hard as it may be, you should probably turn and walk away. It's likely an indication that the two of you have very different levels of commitment. And while things might get back to "normal" -- that normalcy will likely be short-lived.

Finally: don't compromise. Take only the best.

one last word: X, I want to kiss you!

Wednesday, December 05, 2007
The Breakthrough -- or, why I'm back!

For those of you who were reading me regularly, you know I left when I hit a personal breakthrough.

I realized I needed to take decisive action and quit bitching on this blog.

And I did. Not much changed at first. Some long talks with my wife, some resistance, and some reversion to the "old way."

And then, the breakthrough.

My wife asked me if I thought she needed counseling. I said "yes." I explained that I thought she had some serious issues with negativity, anger, and possibly depresssion.

She didn't argue. And we went on about our business.

Then, the other day, she reveals that she's seen a therapist and is now on some type of anxiety medication.

I'm thrilled.

Not because my wife needs treatment.

But because I know she can't be helped until she's ready. And it seems she's ready. We've had several talks about it since then.

The other night, she apologized to me for being hard to live with and talked about what a great guy I am.

This is why I stayed married. Because I had hope that there would be a turnaround. Because I married a woman I loved. Because to me, marriage is not something you just "escape."

Two years ago, I had resolved to ask her for a divorce. I had a week away and that's what I planned for when I returned.

We never had that conversation.

I'm not saying that my life wouldn't be easier if we had. Maybe we would have divorced and gone our separate ways. By now, I might be in another happy relationship or just on my own exploring the world.

But I chickened out. I thought about it too much.

And in a way, I think that's the point of being married. It's not supposed to be easy to get out of. You should think a lot before you leave it behind.

time will tell if my wife is serious about treatment and positive change.

I know I'll support her the best I can during this time -- By taking that first step, she has shown me she is serious about taking care of herself and about preserving our relationship. I owe her the same seriousness and respect.

either she'll continue down this new path .. or she'll leave it. That choice will determine a lot about our future together.

But for now, I'll take the 2+ years of suffering if by it, I get my wife back for another 20 or 30.

Isn't that what married people do for each other?

Thursday, November 29, 2007
Stop Obligatory Head

there's a problem sweeping the country. Well, probably just my house and maybe a few others.

the problem: obligatory blow jobs.

some wives and girlfriends have begun to feel like they should be more sexually "available" to their partners.

but, they don't like sex that much ... or, they don't like their partners that much anymore but won't admit it ... and so, they've resorted to a supposedly quick and harmless means of pleasing their man -- the blow job.

every guy loves receiving oral. some respond more quickly than others. some people have even said that guys are just glad you are doing it, so it's almost impossible to do it wrong.

but i am here to say: not all blow jobs are good. obligatory ones tend to suck the most. that is, they are designed to help the guy achieve climax as quickly as possible so the girlfriend or wife can back to whatever it is she wants to be doing.

here's the deal: if i want to achieve orgasm quickly, i can do that by myself. i just NEED a release, i can achieve that mechanically on my own (and probably with one hell of a nice fantasy).

If you don't really want to, or you're not into it, don't do it. Stop the spread of obligatory head.

Now i realize that some women don't like giving head but do it as foreplay or as a means to get what they want (oral from their man). fine -- if it's part of a "trade", that can work. but nevertheless, you should be as enthusiastic and passionate about giving head to me as you'd want me to be for you.

if it's all about getting me off so i'll leave you alone for a few days, don't bother. I'll find time -- in the shower, when you're out, whenever.

and know this: guys like sex, oral, vaginal, whatever. but we also appreciate the full experience -- lots of foreplay, giving you oral, passion. it's about more than getting off if we really care about you. hell, even if it's a one-night hookup, we want it to be good. So, if you're not up for it, and don't think you'll be any more excited when you see our naked body or our penis, don't bother.

if you think that seeing our penis or starting to suck on it might turn you on and you'll become passionate, sure, give it a whirl.

just don't feel obligated.

Monday, October 15, 2007
one more post (for ashley)

i didn't think anyone was reading this.


then ashley stopped by.


one more post (maybe a few more)

i am alive

things are generally going well

and i'm intrigued -- with what was ashley impressed?

that is all for now

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