Hard As A Rock
Friday, January 18, 2008
Dreaming of Dating

For the last two nights I've been dreaming of dating.

Yes, very clear, vivid, intense dreams about dating. No sex. No making out. Just fun, friendly, GREAT dates.

Predictably, one of the dates was with X. It was incredible. The intensity of the connection we both felt, the feeling of being there, across from her, next to her in the car. It was amazing.

Last night, I was on a date with a co-worker who actually lives and works in another state. It was so much fun. She commented on how solid my arms are (they are much stronger now b/c i've been lifting weights 4-5 times a week). It felt great to hear her words. We laughed, we went shopping and to lunch.

Maybe this "virtual" dating will hold me over for a bit. I definitely noticed that I felt much more confident and stronger than I've ever felt. Which mirrors my current reality -- where I'm in better physical shape, I'm loving my job, and I feel much more confident meeting new people and in new situations. I would say I wish I had been "this me" ten years ago -- but I'm just glad I'm discovering "me" now.

Anyway, onto work. And then to sleep -- and the next date!

Thursday, January 10, 2008
What Have I Done?

A perfect convergence of events led me to ask the question: What Have I Done?

A long drive with time to think, finding my ACT score report in the attic a few days ago, and an incredibly powerful movie in a nearly empty theatre.

And I ask: What have I done?

What have I done with the many opportunities I have been given? Not enough.

What have I done with the life I've made for myself? Not enough.

What have I done with the training I've received in college and at work? Not enough.

What have I done with what was once a very present hunger for justice and thirst for opportunity? Not enough.

What have I done with the natural gifts I've been given? Not enough.

I have lived a nice, quiet, middle class life. Sure, it has had its bumps and detours, but it has been a nice, quiet middle class life.

I've gone to college, earned graduate degrees, and had interesting jobs that pay reasonably well.

And what have I done with these gifts? Not enough.

I am capable of more. I know my potential. Others have seen it, tapped into it at times, challenged me to be my best. And at times, I have been. But not enough.

At the height of this realization, in the middle of that movie, i cried. I really, really cried. Like I haven't in a while. I knew how it would end, I wanted to leave and get to "work."

But I stayed, I watched it all. I cried again.

And now, I've taken time to write it out.

To commit to seeing my best, finding it, and doing it. All the time!

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