Hard As A Rock
Thursday, May 27, 2004
Becoming a "Bad Ass"

All this talk about me being "too nice" and getting "walked all over" reminds me of an experience in college...

two friends and I were all interested in the same extremely bright, extremely sexy girl .. we did a lot of things together -- she was kind of "one of the guys" -- but all the guys really wanted to date her ... anyway, here's a breakdown of the guys:

ME: probably the best looking of the three, though really nice and kind of quiet

guy 2: big, not incredibly great-looking but super-intelligent and kind of a guy-guy -- liked pro-wrestling, but when it came to women, super-nice, respectful, etc..

Guy 3: -- decent looking guy, also bright, but a total ass when it came to women...

ok, i'm married -- and not to this girl ..

guy 2 is still single -- not at all with this girl, though she was kind of interested in him at times

guy 3: is her current husband -- has he changed much? not really.

when talking to her at the time, she admitted that she couldn't handle being with a guy who was too nice to her -- or really, nice to her at all except on special occasions -- and even then, kind of liked the "asshole" attitude some guys have -- that was attractive to her...

guy 2 and I often observed that plenty of perfectly nice, perfectly attractive women were with guys who were assholes... who were disrespectful and treated women crappily -- these guys had rough exteriors ... they were rude, etc... and when you talked to these girls outside of their "relationship" -- they were bright, articulate, independent .... but when their "guy" came around, they let him treat them like shit...

we decided we should become "bad asses" -- start kicking ass, being rude, etc... saying "funnY" disrespectul things to women -- being patronizing... b/c then we'd get to date some of these girls who seemed very interesting and yet didn't seem to want to date us -- or, just flat out rejected us...

what's up with this?? ... I will admit that I am now married to an intelligent, attractive woman who aspires to high achievements... and i like those things.. but is my problem that I'm "too nice" -- should I be more of a "man?" -- I'm uncomfortable with stereotypical gender roles... but in a sense, I kind of play into one when I act as caretaker... but is there something more exciting about the "bad ass" man... something that ignites passion that I'm missing ... (see, I'm not a woman, and not particularly attracted to guys, so I don't understand this phenomenon) -- are women socialized to make these choices? -- are they choosing men like their dads...?

on another topic, how many women out there reading this masturbate? I have a theory that women who masturbate are much better sex partners and have higher sex drives ... maybe b/c they masturbate and get the wonderful feeling that comes from having delightful orgasms.. so, how many of you girls out there "jill off" .. or touch yourselves... or self-pleasure or whatever you want to call it...?

Tuesday, May 25, 2004
A Good Point

Vortexia brings up a good point. So, I'll address it.

Do I benefit from "little things" my wife does that I'm not thinking about? Maybe. But, I've taken an inventory -- and tried to assess what would happen --- what would get done and not get done, if only I were around -- I iron my own shirts, wash clothes about as often as she does, make my own lunch, cook any cooked meal we eat, plan weekend eating, take care of basic maintenance on the cars, cut the grass, do general yard work, etc ... the one job she won't allow me to do is clean the house (except I do clean the bathrooms) -- this is because she is exceptionally obsessive about the house being very neat and very clean .. as such, I have become accustomed to living in a very neat, very organized, very orderly home -- were she not there, this might change somewhat, though I'd engage my best efforts to keep things as they are ... and were I to be with another person, who knows what kind of neatness standard there'd be -- so, admittedly, this is a nice benefit... yes, it's somewhat annoying, but it makes for a clean, nice environment...

Vortexia's point also seems to be that I'm somewhat responsible for my wife's behavior -- and I admit, the "problems" in our relationship are not just one party's fault -- there is blame to go around -- I suppose I just started doing "nice" little tasks and things b/c she asked, or b/c I saw something that needed to be done and did it or because I wanted her not to worry about something for a day or a weekend... but then, it became habit, and then she started to ask for things... and that's where I get upset .... how can she ask me to iron her clothes when she's been home for 6 hours and I've gotten home just in time to take a shower and sleep 6 hours before getting up and doing it all over again? ... to me, that's incredibly insensitive ... I don't mind doing many of the tasks I do -- for me, a benefit would be for her to think of me on those late nights and do some things herself...without me having to tell her no ...

Another annoyance is her capacity to delegate work to me and plan out what I will do with my weekend. Weekend time is generally yard care time for me, and as i've admitted here, I enjoy it -- but, what I can't stand, and what i've tried to explain to her several times, including last weekend, is when she says, "Why didn't you weed eat here? ...or,are you going to (Insert task here)? -- Dammit!!! She's not the one pushing the mower in 90 degree heat.... she's not the one planting the grass seed -- she's not the one taking care of the planting or watering -- I like to do these things, some of them she doesn't even want to do, but just like when she cleans the house and I don't tell her how to go about it, she should leave me the hell alone when I'm working in the yard unless there's a very specific project she has in mind.... YES, i have communicated this to her in nice ways -- and this past weekend, in a rather curt way, but it doesn't stop.

Finally, why don't we connect on a sexual level like we have in the past? ... what else can I do to make her feel sexually attracted to me? to make her interested? ... The general response I get from her is "not interested" ... I try to plan romantic dinners, I try to get work done during the day at work and during the work week so we can have some free evenings and weekends together.... and she's bad about waiting until late at night to start projects that need my assistance -- or that require her full attention .... which is frustrating b/c my goal is to finish my work tasks and homework, etc... and then have an hour, 2 hours, a day with her... she doesn't seem to think this way...

ok, i've covered lots of ground ... and I really do have some work to do...

Monday, May 24, 2004
Intern Delight

If my intern shows up another day this week wearing a dress like the one she's got on today, I will seriously consider running away with her (at least to the nearest hotel!) --

ok, of course that assumes she'd agree ... and of course, it's totally objectifying her ... but damn, she looks good -- and i need to be touched ... badly!

She said what?

Well, my wife said this weekend, "If I make you mad, no one at all will like me." ..

hmm... why would she say that, you ask? Because she's pissed off her dad and sister ... b/c she has few friends at work b/c she's fairly cold ... (although she did have a party last week of some sort, so I can't figure that one out) -- she says she loves me and realizes now (finally) that I take great care of her... I want a PARTNER, NOT A DEPENDENT! -- She's perfectly healthy, intelligent, etc -- she can take care of herself -- not that I mind pampering her ... i just wish she would respond accordingly -- I wish that when I got home from being gone from 7:00 AM to 10:00 PM on an especially late night (when i'm working my 2nd job) ... that she wouldn't say, "I haven't made my lunch yet and I need a shirt ironed" -- even though she's been home since 4:00 ... what the hell? Am I her fucking dad? this is bullshit.

so, last week, I told her no. I said,"I'm getting a shower, and I'm going to bed." ... she whined a bit, but I took a shower and went to bed... maybe I just have to MAKE her self-sufficient .. gradually cutting off all the little "services" i provide...

Friday, May 21, 2004
late night

last night was my 2nd consecutive very late night at work -- and when I get home, my wife wants my attention for a couple of simple items, so i give it to her, i eat a little snack, take a shower, watch the news, and am ready for bed...

when she says, 1) i'm going to be typing a while 2) can you read some stuff for me

i say, 'no' -i'm going to bed .... b/c 1) she's been home since 4:00 2) i'm tired as hell 3) i've been working my ass off this week and i can't believe she would even ask ... why the hell can't she take care of me for a while when i'm working hard ... why does she always need my time -- why is it always about her -- why can't it be about me -- why doesn't she think of me, care for me, and do those little things that would say so much...? why?

ok, enough bitching for now -- i'm back at work for what will be another long, exhausting day...

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

I've added a couple new links.

One is another married guy who is pretty pissed off about it.

The other is Josie -- She has a boyfriend and she shares some pretty hot little stories... it seems to be an interesting relationship.

Of course, there's always the highly recommended, highly readable, and just plain wonderful vortexia!

Grocery Shopping

Ok, so last night I go grocery shopping -- and it's kind of late and the store is out of seedless grapes - but I have to have them

so, I go to another store -- and they have seedless grapes, and as I'm picking them out, i notice a tall, attractive woman walking in pushing a cart and talking on a cell phone -- she has a great voice, and as she walks past me, i wait a moment, then turn my head and glance at her, and she turns and looks at me -- wow, i was caught -- but she just smiled and laughed as she kept talking away ... I smiled back and then quietly laughed to myself ...

how much fun ... produce section flirting.. !

Monday, May 17, 2004
2 Weekends, One Update

Ok, it's been a while. I've been busy. But here's the update ... from two weekends!

Our romantic getaway weekend went quite well -- we had a nice time, cuddled some, laughed a lot, ate a couple great meals, relaxed, and yes, had sex ... it was very nice -- and not the usual she's non-responsive kind -- it was quite nice (she let me make her cum) -- the next day she admitted to being rather horny for the last couple days -- so, if she was horny, why didn't she let me know before -- or just attack me ... she never makes the first move -- anyway, regardless -- (redundant) -- it was a good weekend...

fast forward to this past weekend (during which my birthday occurred) -- she had done zero planning, had to go out and get a gift for me on my birthday, and when I told her what I wanted to do, the one thing I really wanted (see a movie) she complained (she hates movies, but I thought the one I wanted to see held some appeal for her) -- besides, it's my birthday, dammit! ... If it were her birthday,I would have planned dinner, gotten a gift, (exactly what she wanted) -- gotten a surprise gift -- and made sure she had a spectacular time...

we had no birthday sex. but, hey, i'm at about once every two months, and I got some last weekend, so what did I expect .. I guess that was supposed to hold me over.... I did masturbate after I cut the grass on Sunday, I was hot and sweaty and ready for a shower, but I also found myself with a huge erection in need of attention... so, I took care of it...

so, that's my update -- 2 weekends, and after the 2nd, I'm back where I started... the few times I would like the focus to be on me, it's not ... and that's just not cutting it in the "making me happy" category

Friday, May 07, 2004
Weekend Report

Ok, before the weekend even starts, here's a little preview.

I have planned a nice little getaway weekend for my wife and me. This has been planned for some time now as I knew this would be a time we both needed a break and just wanted to get away.

I've got the whole weekend planned, which basically involves travelling about an hour or so away, shopping, eating, and just lounging around in a nice hotel with a pool.

My wife tells me last night "I don't know about the weekend .. I mean, I might be sick or something, maybe we can cancel and just stay home..." -- ok, first, she's not really sick ... no such signs. second, if we stay home, we'll just do the same stuff we always do -- which means work around the house and stuff, not bad, but not exactly a fun release from a time of stress... third, she tells me, "i'm not having sex with you just because you've arranged all this" ... ok, fine ... i don't want sex b/c of this -- I'm not devising all kinds of ways to make my wife want to have sex with me... and like her not having sex with me would be any different than what's happening now ...

the truth: hell yeah, i'd love to have sex with her this weekend ... or even in a few minutes when i get home from work -- i mean, i love her, i think she's very attractive, and she's my wife -- the only woman i've ever had sex with ... and on the day we married, the only woman I ever, ever ever wanted to have sex with for the REST OF MY LIFE. apparently, that time period was about the first six months of our marriage.

more truth: at this point, i really don't care if we have sex this weekend or anytime soon ... but I would like to have some quality 'us' time ... to just relax and be together ... I think that would help us ...

even more truth: hell yeah, not having any type of sexual contact for well over a month -- maybe 2 now, makes me damn horny ... but i'm trying my best to focus on our relationship as a whole and not just this one displeasing aspect

i'm gone for the weekend...

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

That describes my life right now -- I'm incredibly busy until next week, when the class I'm taking is finally FINISHED.

Crazy also describes my wife, who is perpetually worried and may have OCD among other issues.

I can't begin to describe the number of silly, small things she worries about. From mid-evening vacuuming sessions to just general worry about the next day's work, she's worried. It drives me nuts. Everyone has a job, some people don't like theirs. She's in a good work situation, makes decent money, and is on her way to moving up -- yet she complains constantly. I will remind you (as I do her) that she CHOSE her line of work -- no one forced her... and many, many people have miserable jobs and make much less money.

Now that i've said that, last night was absolutely beautiful. It was cool outside (low 50s) and just wonderful -- i walked around our yard... I looked at the moon -- i felt the coolness in my t-shirt and jeans -- it brought back good memories ... of long walks on a college campus at a time when I had time .. time to wonder and to wander ... where spending endless hours just walking, admiring, enjoying was possible, expected, and celebrated... now, I have less time for such luxury -- but then, I enjoy my home, I enjoy my job, and I'm nearing the completion of a Ph.D. -- I feel confident in work and school ... and my life is taking a positive turn --

and yet -- there is one aspect of my life that is not yet complete -- an emptiness i haven't felt in some time.... and it's not going away, not growing better .. and each season, each day, I think .. "maybe summer will heal it..." or "Maybe this next opportunity will heal it..." ... or "maybe this time alone will ... "or maybe she'll come home today and it will be different...
"or maybe I'll say someting and ...

and, not to be misled, I want my readers to know there is pain from my past -- at times I want to run from home and never go back....

and sometimes, when things seem perfect, I am most sad... b/c it was at those times when I was a child that everything got screwed up .. i lived from minor crisis to major crisis to minor crisis... usually about a year or two apart... and despite that, and quite possibly b/c of that, I have achieved a lot.

ok. i'm done.

Monday, May 03, 2004

MMmmm... Mt. Dew code red... it's like hawaiian punch with tons of caffeine! I need another one!!


ok, it's that kind of day ... i'm tired, i'm working my ass off, and i'm just checking in here...

had a decent weekend... got some yard work done, actually got to touch my wife (yes, a little cuddling and a few kisses - no sex, but any touch is really nice) ... not totally great, but maybe progress -- maybe not, but i felt good

that's all i really ask for, really -- just a little touching, affirmation -- that closeness we used to share so regularly ... where did it go? ... maybe it's coming back... we had some conversations that weren't so great... how did i marry someone I disagree with so much? ... why didn't she share this ideas with me before?

in the meantime, i'm watching my female co-worker who has been married for 24 years go through a divorce. she has 2 kids. it's very painful. it's not fun to watch. it hurts me to watch her hurt. I think I'm a little while away from being willing to go through that. BUt, i have no kids, so that's a HUGE difference.

ok, i'm going back to work ... and finding another CODE RED!!

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