Hard As A Rock
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
is still around.
She is lovely.
someone the other day told me they thought of her as "strange."
which makes her all the more appealing to me.
she is bright, funny, lovely, and keeps to herself.
we've both changed jobs this year. And yet we actually have a closer relationship than we did when we worked at the same place.
i want to kiss her
more than i've wanted to kiss someone in a while.
she wants to kiss me
i know she does
and yet our relationship is mostly professional, kind, friendly -- never coming close to crossing a line
but i can't stop
imagining that embrace, that first touch, the taste of her lips on mine.
at the same time that I'm moving toward getting my wife "back," my desire for X is not subsiding.
Perhaps because what we're going through (my wife and I), is a struggle and requires a lot of effort, I can't help but think about ... what if.
and today on the way in to work, i thought of March of 2000. Of the call from my then-fiance. Of her cold declaration that we were no longer going to be married.
for three days, we talked. for 3 days, i thought for sure we were done. i was a zombie at work, i couldn't sleep. i wondered why i had moved from a good job in a town i liked to be closer to her so we could be married. I couldn't believe that 2 weeks into a new life for me, the life I had dreamed of for 3 years was over.
I felt lost.
For all my life, I will never forget this time. I don't know if my wife will ever know the lasting impact those 3 days had on me.
We finally "made up." Things were back on track.
and we're approaching 8 years of marriage.
you can't look back and say "what if." I may have moved back to the town i liked and gotten a different job. I may have had a different path in my new job. I may never have gotten the job that led me to meeting X.
I can't change those things. I made a decision after that 3rd day and its impact is still playing out.
My wife is a good partner in a lot of ways. And every relationship has its struggles.
I still long for more in some ways.
For the complete picture. For both a solid partner who shares responsbilities and is good at finances and values intimacy and likes to go to movies and will cook for me once in a while and is attractive and not so negative, etc. etc.
I feel like I offer a lot. Sure, I have my deficiencies, too. But since I have a lot to offer, and provide a high level of attention to my partner/our relationship, i expect the same in return.
That's all. Give as much as you get.
And the day after the 3rd day in March of 2000 ... here's what I've learned: when someone says they don't want to be with you anymore, that's a pretty strong message. As hard as it may be, you should probably turn and walk away. It's likely an indication that the two of you have very different levels of commitment. And while things might get back to "normal" -- that normalcy will likely be short-lived.
Finally: don't compromise. Take only the best.
one last word: X, I want to kiss you!
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
The Breakthrough -- or, why I'm back!
For those of you who were reading me regularly, you know I left when I hit a personal breakthrough.
I realized I needed to take decisive action and quit bitching on this blog.
And I did. Not much changed at first. Some long talks with my wife, some resistance, and some reversion to the "old way."
And then, the breakthrough.
My wife asked me if I thought she needed counseling. I said "yes." I explained that I thought she had some serious issues with negativity, anger, and possibly depresssion.
She didn't argue. And we went on about our business.
Then, the other day, she reveals that she's seen a therapist and is now on some type of anxiety medication.
Not because my wife needs treatment.
But because I know she can't be helped until she's ready. And it seems she's ready. We've had several talks about it since then.
The other night, she apologized to me for being hard to live with and talked about what a great guy I am.
This is why I stayed married. Because I had hope that there would be a turnaround. Because I married a woman I loved. Because to me, marriage is not something you just "escape."
Two years ago, I had resolved to ask her for a divorce. I had a week away and that's what I planned for when I returned.
We never had that conversation.
I'm not saying that my life wouldn't be easier if we had. Maybe we would have divorced and gone our separate ways. By now, I might be in another happy relationship or just on my own exploring the world.
But I chickened out. I thought about it too much.
And in a way, I think that's the point of being married. It's not supposed to be easy to get out of. You should think a lot before you leave it behind.
time will tell if my wife is serious about treatment and positive change.
I know I'll support her the best I can during this time -- By taking that first step, she has shown me she is serious about taking care of herself and about preserving our relationship. I owe her the same seriousness and respect.
either she'll continue down this new path .. or she'll leave it. That choice will determine a lot about our future together.
But for now, I'll take the 2+ years of suffering if by it, I get my wife back for another 20 or 30.
Isn't that what married people do for each other?