Hard As A Rock
Thursday, April 28, 2005
I really don't like to be talked to in the bathroom.
I walk in, this tall guy i work with is looking over the stall as he's standing up pissing in the toilet.
he starts talking to me...
what am i to do?
do i go to the back stall and use the bathroom myself... do i talk with him while he shakes off?
i can't really see over the stall... i'm not all that tall. and I don't want to be talked to ... i want to go and get out.
why do people talk to each other in the bathroom?
i don't approve.
Monday, April 25, 2005
What if ...
I just walked out.
Got in the car and left.
If I took all that we have in savings, we'd be even -- considering the equity in the house. So, I'll take my car, the savings $ and just leave.
where would i go?
That's far away.
She'd never find me.
no one would.
i could change my name.
get a different hair cut.
enroll in college somewhere (i'd be the only student with the credentials to be a prof.)
on another note, my wife is unknowingly giving me the best birthday present. Just one day after i turn 30, she's leaving town on a work-related trip that will take her away for 4 days.
4 days when i can come home to an empty, quiet house. 4 days of sleeping in a bed alone. 4 days of having no problem finding the right few minutes to masturbate. 4 days to reflect, to pause, to think -- about my future, about our future ... 4 days to see movies at night, eat ice cream, and not be disturbed by late night vacuuming. did i mention it will be much easier to find the opportunity to get off during this time?
i'm looking forward to it... i know i'll miss her (strange, perhaps) ... and I know it's what I need.
so, thanks for the birthday present. (now, let's hope she has been thoughtful enough this year to get me an actual present... if not, i may be gone when she gets back).
Thursday, April 21, 2005
lifting cars ...
in a rather cheesy 80's movie about a college debate team, the guys use an expression "lifting cars" to describe what they do to overcome uncontrollable horniness... when a girl makes them so horny they can't stand it, they literally go outside and attempt to lift a car -- this takes away the frustration and lets off some testosterone ... so the guy can think clearly again.
i hit walls.
or the ceiling of my car (surprised there aren't too many dents)...
today, i nearly snapped open a pen.
after not having sex for a while (several weeks now) .. i'm going nuts. and there's this one co-worker (yes, her) ... that is driving me wild. it's bad enough that she's cute as hell and rather smart ... what's worse, she's shown an interest in me .. maybe just a friendly interest, maybe more... i can barely stand to be in the same room .. i think the most delicious thoughts ...
sometimes, even just the thought of sitting across a table from her in a dimly lit restaurant sends me over the edge... sometimes, it's more than that.
i need to lift some cars. luckily, i wasn't required to contribute too much to the meeting ...
Monday, April 18, 2005
it's worse ...
...than I thought.
well, sort of.
this weekend i had a thought -- i don't know that i enjoy my wife's company too much. I think this has been developing over time... and began being expressed last year via this outlet.
I mean, we're married. we live in the same house. without sex, married people are just roommates .. or partners.
well, is she a very good housemate? not especially. she doesn't really share in the shopping, cooking, etc. sure, we use some of her money to pay the mortgage -- but another housemate could do that.
is she much of a partner? not especially. we have some common interests, but some increasingly divergent values. this is frustrating to say the least.
so, i could deal with a roommate who didn't cook, clean, shop, etc... but was a LOT more sensual than my wife... the physical intimacy would be a place to find happiness ... and I know there is NO perfect.
I could probably deal with the good partner who shopped, cooked, cleaned, and really shared the house responsibilities even if she wasn't into that much sex...
i have neither.
which makes outside options more appealing.
if i'm living the life i'm living ... and my wife continues her present path, i become more and more desirous of another relationship.
like the "new girl" -- maybe we could go see a movie ... or take in a museum ... or just have wild, passionate sex... i need intimacy on many levels and that desire, that need isn't being met. i really have no close, intimate, personal friends that are anywhere near me geographically... i work, come home, take care of stuff, sleep in the same bed with my wife, and get up and go to work again. my weekends have become "work-ends" wherein i do yard work (which i rather enjoy) and other tasks to keep the house running, which i don't really get much help with...
my wife and i talked kids again this weekend... she's still a no... a firm no.
i have resigned myself to the fact that it's not a good idea to have children with someone like her...
but, to me, that's a BIG change from where we were when we married... sure, people change their minds -- but that's a HUGE issue.
so, what would be the problem with something else... or should i force the issue with my wife first and then see what happens ...? I have read many blogs of people with outside boyfriends/girlfriends .... as a coping mechanism ... when we married, i would have thought such a thing horrible... now, i at least can understand why some people take that approach... hell, some people go along with a wife, kids, etc... and have a totally different partner that meets other needs... whether physical, emotional, or mental intimacy... (FDR comes to mind).
but how does a married guy go on a date? ... i can't do that. i can't be one of "those people"
i really shouldn't?...
that's where i am.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
That New Girl
Ok, i know I've posted about attractive co-workers before.
This is different.
I may be on the way to getting in trouble.
Haven't felt this way in some time. I guess M comes to mind -- 6 years ago.
In 5 years of marriage I have never thought of another woman like this -- in passing, sure -- meet a new face, see an attractive person -- a moment of mental dancing...
but this is different.
I'm afraid. And excited.
and i'm left wondering... is this the point where opportunity meets desire -- where otherwise stale times at home lead to wandering and wondering.
let me be clear. there is nothing.
but there is something. it's not just me.
i may be in trouble.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
... wear brown shoes with a blue suit. absolutely unacceptable. I have noticed lately that most men have no idea how to dress. why do they think brown shoes are made? To go with brown suits ... khaki suits, even. THEY do NOT match your blue suit. You should be wearing black shoes with your blue suit. Some guys try to pull off burgundy/maroon shoes with blue or grey suits ... also, not a great combination.
who the hell is teaching these guys how to dress?
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
All about the Bunny Mix
that's right. I bought 3 14 oz. bags of "bunny mix" m&ms right after Easter for 62 cents a bag.
i love chocolate.
it's amazing the way it creates that wonderful feeling that eases stress.
no sex of late to report -- not lucky here like Taja and her increasingly sexed-up hubby! and believe me, while the chocolate is nice... i need the sex.
um, hey, new girl... yeah, you -- the cute one...
ah, hell... same old shit, different post.
something new may be coming along.
Monday, April 11, 2005
I should have gone to Syracuse. For college.
I never really thought about it as a 17-year-old. I wanted to go away. And I sort of did.
But I went away safely. Just a few hours down the road.
I should have gone to Syracuse.
Oh, sure, I thought of schools in California ... even some in the Deep South -- hot weather all around.
But I should have gone to Syracuse.
A great school far, far away.
I would have only come home on Holidays.
I wouldn't have had any friends there.
I would have had one focus -- make killer grades and go to law school.
Reading a story this weekend, I noted a description of Syracuse -- the town, the college. I was enchanted. Even the name has always intrigued me.
I've never been there. Been to Ithaca -- Cornell's campus is beautiful.
But I, I took the road most traveled. The safe, comfortable road. Nothing wrong with that road. Most people take it, after all. But what I wanted ... what I want -- it's much harder to get to from the safe road.
Despite my penchant for comfort, I've taken a few risks... and I've landed in a good place.
We don't get to ask, "what if?" ... We can't go back. From where I am, Syracuse is much further away than it was 12 years ago.
So, here I am. I enjoy mild winters and long summers with almost no real Spring or Fall.
I have a job I enjoy. My vocabulary's not as great as it should be. I only know one language. I own a home, have a wife (and a cat) and will soon finish a Ph.D.
But looking back -- reflecting as 30 gets much closer (we're talking weeks, not months or years) -- I realize I should have gone to Syracuse.
Friday, April 08, 2005
Cute Shoes and Quizno's
that's right... i was eyeing a co-worker who was wearing the cutest brown pumps and jeans today... quite nice.
and yes, i love quizno's. It's quiet ... well, at least after the lunch rush. The subs are hot and tasty.
but i was a bit displeased as although I am typically a fan of Pepsi products, this quizno's used to have fountain vanilla coke -- love the stuff. Well, now they are a Pepsi shop. I was really craving vanilla coke, too.
Monday, April 04, 2005
So V, the beer, and me... are now married.
Saturday was the day. And let me tell you , the honeymoon is going GREAT... though i'm worn out. These two girls are very demanding husbands... i'm doing all i can to keep them happy... but they are pure studs...!:) lucky me!
on a more serious weekend note... last week, on Thursday and Friday, i took a series of tests for my doctorate... 2 days, 4 questions, 8 hours. grueling.
On friday evening as I'm driving home, i call my wife... I'm done -- let's eat and celebrate...
well, no we can't ... she has called someone to install a couple of lights she has purchased -- they may not be there for a while.
i tell her that i can't believe she wasn't more considerate of my time...
she is appalled. she's getting something done and why can't i just take care of myself.
any other time, i tell her, that would be fine... but i've been through 2 rough days and she'd rather get some damn lights installed than spend time with me and/or help me relax and get back to normal?
i hang up.
i get home and she's all "i guess i'm in trouble now..."
i say, " well, i just can't believe you were shocked that i would ask you to think of me from time to time"
she apologizes... but i tell her... i see that you're sorry -- but that doesn't fix that 1) we're waiting and 2) this is typical...
we discuss some more, the installer shows, he's done quickly and we get to eat... at this point, i don't feel like fighting anymore, i'm hungry and tired... so we go on.
no sex this weekend, though...
taja ... i'm going to have to try this appointment sex idea... i'll start with every Saturday maybe.
I'm glad i got something more out there... i'm glad i made it more clear that i was unhappy --not just with Friday, but with her general attitude...
she seemed genuinely sorry -- so, we'll see.
i need to score, by the way.
murphy? how's that womb?