Hard As A Rock
Thursday, July 29, 2004
should i?
post anything today?

well ... here it is.


there is never anything and there is always something -- and damn, if there's never a number 3 -- though in my business, almost everything is packaged neatly in 3's -- the 2nd of the three usually being a little wimpy or lame but 1 and 3 have to kick ass

i got a raise at work yesterday.  it was half of the raise I had asked for.  it's nice to get a raise, even nicer to be paid what you believe you are worth based on your work product.  maybe next time, i'll ask for more than i really want so i won't be disappointed.  I guess i should be excited.  Last year, i got no raise. 

my wife pointed out that i was still not making enough money.  that really pisses me off.  I do LOVE my job, which makes me happy generally, which makes me a better husband to her -- and just a better housemate, period.  AND, my job has tremendous potential in the next year or so to lead to several exciting, high-paying, prestigious opportunities -- and remember, i'm not even 30 yet.  And damn if i haven't been work hard for quite some time.

ah ha -- i wasn't going to post anything -- but here i am, writing -- and once the juices flow, well, they keep on flowing...

got an email from A today - she said she would NEVER contact me again -- apparently, calling for me and getting my wife shocked her -- i just hope this time she's serious.  i'm going to ignore her at all costs unless she calls my home again -- at which point, it's all about murphy unleashing some serious "whoop-ass" on her...


Wednesday, July 28, 2004
A called my house last night -- YES, my house.  My wife answered.  A told my wife some story about why she was calling -- my wife said she was nuts, and that was that.

How did this happen?

My wife is now suspicious.  As i've said, A has emailed me -- i try to ignore her. 

Now, I'm afraid she'll be calling the house and harassing me and/or my wife. 

what do i do?

Monday, July 26, 2004
Ok, I've been listening to Bruce Springsteen -- "THE RISING" lately -- i heard the song "Paradise" the other day on a longish drive near where I live -- kind of a back country road.

The song reminded me of my first kiss with my wife.  We were in college.  In her car.  In the parking lot near our dorm, behind the baseball field -- it was about 1:00 AM -- it was the sweetest, softest, most electric kiss I had ever felt. 

We kissed once more as I got off the elevator on my floor.  I was wearing a maroon sweatshirt and a pair of jeans -- (sexy, i know!) -- I didn't sleep that night.  And although I had a good feeling about her before that moment, at that moment, I knew -- this was something special.  I had been getting to know her for some time -- she was everything (well, most things anyway) I had imagined in a potential mate. 

It was simple.  It was paradise. 

We've changed since then. I've elaborated some here.  I may never capture that moment -- but maybe, through a rebuilding of our relationship, we'll get something back. 


Friday, July 23, 2004
She Could Be My Mom ...
one of the women in my office is going through a divorce .. i've mentioned her before.  Since she started here a little over a year ago, she's been on this fitness/workout kick -- and i will say this: it's working. 

She's an attractive woman -- and at 45, old enough to be my mother -- though she would have been a young mom... anyway, as she's getting more in shape, i'm finding her more and more attractive...

then, the other day, she mentions it's been over 4 years since she's had sex -- and I thought I had it bad... and wow, does she need it -- she's tense all the time (of course, the divorce plays a role ... but she could really use a good nailing ... or licking, probably) ...

anyway, why she tells me this, i have no idea -- ok, i have some idea...

and the idea of fucking someone who needs it THAT bad is a HUGE turn-on -- she's got a great body, great personality, and YES, she can cook -- she brings in all kinds of food treats almost weekly ... it's a nice benefit of her being in the office.


Thursday, July 22, 2004
What I Find SEXY ...

ok, so the other day i'm driving with my wife...

we're coming home from dinner or something...

and in the mirror, i notice an attractive woman driving behind me... curly hair, brownish, cute glasses and nice eyes..

driving a car similar to ours...

here's what i found sexy:  she couldn't completely focus on the road b/c she had a child in the backseat ... probably her child (unless it was murphy and she's off kidnapping random kids again) but anyway, i found her wildly attractive...

maybe i'm just attracted to moms...

anyway, i'm pretty sure she noticed i was paying attention to her -- i don't think my wife noticed, when we are in the car, she goes into her own world and gets annoyed if I try to talk to her ... that's frustrating -- it's like driving alone only with a living human next to you... very weird..

anyway, this young mother and her child got my attention. 

Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Here's rock....
That's right -- here I am.
and DTG, i know, i know -- i must live with the decisions i've made.
but now, upon reflection, i realize you can't simply go through life and make decisions as they come... you must be careful ...
i am beginning to realize the full impact of some of the decisions i made without much thought
years ago.
so, here i am now.  i'm being more cautious.  despite my carefree decision-making style of the past, i'm in a relatively good place -- and no, just in case you're wondering, the decision to marry my wife was not one i made lightly or in a carefree manner...
anyway, now that i'm here, i'm going to have to watch my decisions -- take C  for example -- sure, i'd like to know her more -- and not doing so could be a missed opportunity -- but i must proceed with caution
in wife news, my wife has been fantastic overall since our vacation.  She's been sharing more of the work around the house, she's acknowledged verbally that i'm a great husband, she's been helpful -- she's let me be more physical -- cuddling and kissing, not sex really --but i don't mind as long as i can touch her -- small steps are fine with me...
last night, she got really mad that i got home 30 minutes later than my usual schedule.  not b/c of traffic, but b/c i was talking with some friends ... and i didn't call her.  fair enough, i guess -- but, wait, no not really -- it's not like i was doing anything bad, it's not like i was significantly late, and it's not like she runs my time...
ok, so we had a little fight about all that...
this morning, she was fine -- and overall, seems to be rather cheery -- maybe she's hitting a positive stride.. maybe it will stay. 

Thursday, July 15, 2004
More on C

The readers are restless. They're demanding more. So, I give them ... more.

More on C

She is a bit shorter than me -- i'd say she's around 5'5"

She has longish dark brown hair -- she wears it in a different way each day -- one of the more intriguing aspects about her...

she has blue eyes

that combination is lethal -- dark hair, blue eyes.

She has great legs -- yes, she wears fairly short skirts now that it's summer.

today she had on the sexiest pair of orange shoes.

her cup size? ... hmm... i'd say it fits her name: C

she appears to be fairly fit and trim...

yes, she walks by my door --

and when i walk by hers, i can't help but look in -- maybe say hello...

maybe ask a short question...

she's working for a particularly trying boss -- i hope he's not too hard on her... i hope he keeps her around

but wait .. why do i hope that...?

because -- she's interesting -- at least for now -- and i'd like at least to get to know an interesting person -- see if she really is interesting -- if she has substance and depth -- i'm sure she's got something, otherwise, she wouldn't have the job she's got...

so, that's C

and that's what i know of her so far...

Wednesday, July 14, 2004


That's right, I've got an A and B ... and they're basically gone for now -- and M's away, I guess...


She's been around for a couple months -- but she's changed jobs, is now closer to my office.

Does she know what she does to me when I walk by her door?

I haven't talked to her much -- a pleasant hello

we don't have much occasion to work together --

but she is C

more later?

Monday, July 12, 2004
A Life I Only Imagined...

I realized that I'm living a life -- a life I thought perhaps I would live -- a life that when I was 21 or 22 sounded like it would be pretty damn good.

And I don't like it. Well, I like part of it.

but there's another life -- a life I dream of ... a life that could be an escape from the trappings of the "conventional" -- one I could have followed -- and didn't -- a path that I can still get on ...

would I like that life if it were mine?

there was a time not too long ago when i would have gone back ... to being 18 and being forced to live through all the past experiences again -- rather than being where I was -- that time has passed. Right now, there are good things about being stable, secure, and in a job I reasonably enjoy.

So, i wouldn't go back.

But, i might change lives.

I know it can't be an all at once kind of thing -- but more of a process. And much thought must be put in along the way. If I leave this life, I can come back later... but if I stay, I have some amazing opportunities ahead that may or may not be there when I get back...

I often think of the other life -- and since I'm young, i may yet live both, or even a third...

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

well, I'm back. Back from vacation. back to work.

We had a nice time. We had sex 6 times in 4 days. WOW! ... it was nice to reconnect in that way -- to just spend time alone ... and she said, during the vacation, that i deserved to be spoiled ... that she knew i worked hard and that I needed the vacation.

here's the thing. I loved where we went -- to a beach, a hot and sunny place. We stayed in a condo i got through a co-worker -- small, but just right for us. and just the sort of place i could spend all kinds of time alone in... good, small town. small place.

here's the other thing. I realized that sex with my wife is different now -- i don't have the feelings i once did. 6 times is like double our total for all the rest of the this year. but, my feelings about my wife -- about our partnership, mean i don't feel as intense about our sex. it was nice, but not at the level it had been.

i think i've said this before, but while i certainly would like more sex, the real problem is with her attitude and participation in our life. We had some good dialogue where this is concerned... but, until there are actual permanent changes on her part, my feelings ... and attraction to her ... will remain diminished.

which brings me to ...


she is back to complaining and worrying. about all sorts of nonsense. last night, she was vacuuming at 11:00 as I was heading to bed ... alone. it was like the vacation was it, now it's back to normal. normal sucks.

we'll see how the rest of this week goes -- our anniversary is this week... she said on our way home that she didn't deserve anything ... i hate that she's feeling bad .. or even worse, fishing for praise from me -- but i hope she's serious -- that she's moving in a new direction.


ok, not long ago i introduced DEBATEGIRL -- well, i didn't think i'd be seeing her until August or September. BUT, she's back. She worked where i work last summer as an intern. Now, she's back from studying overseas -- and they've offered her another internship -- she took it. She came by to see me today. I tried to maintain a professionalism ... she's a co-worker, intern, and student. It needs to stay that way.

nevertheless, her presence today was somewhat unsettling.

ok, that's about all for now -- an update an probably back to regular blogging for me.

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