Hard As A Rock
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Paralysis by Analysis ...

If you choose not to choose you still have made a choice...

so say the lyrics of a song by a band i'm not terribly fond of

indecision can be a decision

and sometimes -- it takes a long, long time for one to know the true impact of a choice

just yesterday i learned that something i strongly suspected to be true is indeed very true

and that confirmed that a decision i made (or, the lack of a strong, clear decision) was really, really bad. i fucked up. terribly.

driving home was hard

i haven't felt this much anger in some time. mostly, it's my fault. i could have acted and acted decisively, and i did not

so, in about 10 months, i fully felt the impact of the decision i made to wait just a little longer to make a decision.

i don't know how much more often i will blog. i started in 2004 -- and it has been a good outlet -- but perhaps instead of sending my messages out into the world of cyberspace, i should have been sending them more directly

thanks to all of you who have read, commented, emailed, shared, etc.

i will likely be back sporadically.

i may soon seek professional help. a session or 3 should help get things out in the open -- in focus for me. and then we'll see what happens next.

i fear it is too late now for something other than compromised happiness to be my ultimate plight -- but no worry -- with a few exceptions, that is all i have known

and the future can be brighter

this is definitely going to be a vodka and sprite weekend

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

and pink


and shoes

i marvel at you every day

i can do nothing more

not right now

it would work

but it wouldn't be perfect

and that's all i want


if i can't have you perfect, i can't have you at all

black and pink

Tuesday, May 23, 2006
2 weeks and 2 days

it has been since i last saw you

and today

i can barely contain myself

your hair up -- i've never seen you wear it that way

your neck exposed, open, ready for a touch, a faint kiss

your white shirt slightly open, just enough

just lovely

just you

i needed this


to see you

when you ask

i will say yes

Monday, May 22, 2006
crazy rock

the last two weeks have been crazy

some of you know why

but i'm back

and here i am

and i think i could really, really use some time with vortexia


Friday, May 05, 2006
Furniture financing ...

ok, i heard a commercial yesterday that had me thinking about silly things people do

like financing furniture

the whole commercial went on and on about different plans for financing furniture

which made me think of economics in larger terms, too

but first, and i think i've said this before, with the exception of a mortgage on the house, i'm debt free.

i drove a car i had in college until about 3 months ago. -- it was 11 years old when i got rid of it -- and the car i drive now is 7 years old. we bought a 3 year old car in it's place to become our primary driving car

all in cash

we "financed" furniture one time -- because we were tired of having a virtually empty room in our house -- and one week later, i received a bonus at work -- i took the check, cashed it, and walked into the furniture store to pay off the furniture. the guy told me that had never happened before.

i have nice things in my house. and i drive a decent car. and i own all of it. if i lost my job, i wouldn't have to worry about how i'm going to pay for my car(s). i wouldn't have to worry about what happens to the furniture when i can't make the payment

i wouldn't have credit card companies calling me

but some people think i'm crazy. they say, "well, you have to have X furniture" -- or, there's no reason you shouldn't have new bedroom furniture if you want it..."

or, they say, your lifestyle is impractical for a young couple starting out.


take what you have. maybe your family has a bed you can use until you can save and buy one. maybe that card table you used in college will work as a kitchen table until you get the money together to buy it

and maybe that car you've had for a while that doesn't look great and isn't cool will last another year -- and even then, you'll buy a used car and pay cash for it.

here's why:

Americans spent more money than they earned and spent beyond their savings last year -- for the first time since the Great Depression. a negative savings rate. Many Americans are one financial crisis away from bankruptcy. The average American has nearly $9000 in credit card debt alone -- and then there are car payments and furniture financing

i walked in to buy a replacement dryer and the first thing the sales guy told me was about the financing plans -- i told him i'd be paying in cash, and no, i did not want to "save" 10% by opening a charge account.

anyway, here's the larger point:

America is heading for a financial crisis. Perhaps another depression. People with debt will be in trouble. People with cash will be able to use their cash to get richer.

I'll be able to buy your foreclosed house, rent it out to pay the mortgage, and make money -- and when the depression is over, you'll have spent your rent money paying for my real estate profits

that furniture you financed? $5000 worth with no payments until 2010? I'll buy it in cash for $500 after you declare bankruptcy and need the money to get by.

and i'm not even rich. the truly rich love a depression b/c the cost of goods and services goes down and they have ample cash to distribute and acquire more assets.

even if there is no depression ... what happens when you lose your job? or get hurt in an accident? or have a medical emergency? -- do you really want to be worrying about how you're going to pay for that nice car that's sitting in your driveway while you're at home...?

ok, enough of this

i need to get laid

i need to hold her

to just sit across the table and gaze into her deep brown eyes

anything she wanted

she could have from me

Wednesday, May 03, 2006
It's the shoes ...

today, it's your shoes

simply amazing

the way you put together an outfit is perfection

YOU are the inspiration for bree

cold, calculating, unflappable

and today

the shoes

practically begging for attention to be focused on your ankle

an eye turned up to your shapely calves and warm, tan skin

i make an extra effort just for you -- especially on wednesdays

have you noticed?

let me say again

today, it's the shoes

Monday, May 01, 2006
it was all yellow...

i never thought i liked yellow

until today

the way you wore it

the way it complemented your hair

the shoes you selected ... with the sparkly buckle

the perfect brown purse

and you

you in yellow

like a tiny canary

a songbird more lovely than any other

your presence made music

your smile created light

and it was all yellow

TV Wisdom

well, here i go.

using a tv show for guidance and wisdom.

i've really hit a low.

i rarely watch grey's anatomy ... but i've liked it the few times i've seen it -- in fact, last night was a record night for me -- 3 consecutive hours of TV virtually uninterrupted ... West Wing, Desperate Housewives, and Grey's Anatomy

at the end of grey's, the narrator quotes a "wise man" who said "you can have anything you want in life if you are willing to give up everything else for it..."

how very true

there is one thing i continue to obsess about -- to think about - to really, really want

but to have it, to even have the chance to ask for it, i have to give up a lot.

i'm afraid that i'm heading for the life of Kevin Spacey's character in American Beauty

i don't want to be 45 and look back and say -- there was a time and i had a window of opportunity -- but now, here i am... and that window is closed - forever.

but in order to go through the window i have to make a huge change
i have to give things up
and who knows how things will go on the other side?

for a while, i agonized about how i had gotten into this situation. in some ways, i tried to get out of it.

but it won't go away. and re-tracing my steps won't help me undo them.

so now, here i am -- and i have to make a decision. if i go with what i want, what i long for - if i go for the opportunity, i will have to give a lot up -- i will have to explain to family and others why i did it

and if i stay where i am -- i have to live with and answer to myself -- now and 10 years from now

so, the stage is set.

the old rock would stay where he is -- b/c that's what i've done in the past -- and overall, that strategy has worked fairly well for me

but i don't want "fairly well" anymore. i want great. i want a chance for great.

where will rock go? what will i do? -- will 2006 really be the year of change and opportunity?

time will tell

and soon

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