Hard As A Rock
Monday, September 25, 2006
in the heart of a busy downtown there is a quiet place
green grass, mature trees.
a campus that takes up about 2 blocks
old stone forms a chapel and retreat center
an escape from hectic work life
walk down the sidewalk another block and you're back in it... the city, the people, the rush
but here, time stands still
archways frame pictures
trees bend in the wind
i have been inside when no one's there
i have seen you
walking down the aisle
i have watched as photos were made on pathways lit by the late summer sun
my heart has jumped as i stood in the front and watched as you emerged from behind the entranceway... watched you in delicate white, hair pinned up and back... lace veil covering deep brown eyes and bright smile
i have heard the sounds of the wedding march as you carefully placed one foot in front of the other, slowly approaching like a butterfly on a lazy Sunday
i have seen 200 people looking at me as i watch you with all of my being
i have held your hand in mine and placed a thin platinum band on your ring finger
i discovered this place -- i always knew it was there ... but i discovered this place and all it means to me is you
i can see this vision clearly -- it is an experience i know i will have
an historic chapel -- a symbol of strength and silence and peace in a bustling city
a place of hope
and a place you and i will share
Thursday, September 21, 2006
and did i mention there is an absolutely lovely girl who if i told her i was separated tomorrow, would, i'm quite confident, be on a date with me on saturday?
did i mention that?
somebody kick my ass.
someone please ...
kick my ass.
i mean really.
make me start over.
i think this blog has served its purpose -- which doesn't mean i'll stop ... but it means i've learned
i started out a couple years ago to tell a story about my life ... and about some issues in my marriage...
and through a couple of years of writing and thinking and getting comments and emails from readers, i've discovered something that maybe a few therapy sessions would have helped with...
it's all about me.
no, not the whole world.
my life. and "issues"
example... issues in my marriage -- can i change my wife? no! -- i can change the way i deal with her, i can change my attitude toward her, i can change the fact that she's even my wife. but i can't make her do the things that i think would make me happy. i can explain to her the problems i'm having and if she wants to change, great... and if not, i can either accept things as they are or make a change for ME.
i have realized, as i have blogged about before, that i have often chosen the "safe" path and gotten "good" results. I went to a decent state school instead of the further away and more challenging and expensive private one ... i decided to take a job and forego law school so i could be closer to my girlfriend (now wife) and home. plus, i had some college loan debt and wanted to pay it off. i decided to keep working and get a Ph.D. at night at the local state school instead of finding a way to work nights and take classes at the prestigious private school in town (where i was also accepted). and to be honest, things are fine. i have a decent house in a nice area, a job i enjoy, etc. a wife who despite other issues is a strong financial partner (and that's VERY important to me).
and i can't stand it. i'm angry. i've made choices that sell my abilities short. and i'm the one to blame. my wife didn't make me give up law school or move to this town or go to school at night. i made those choices. I could have made other choices and told her to deal with them.
i came back from a trip to Seattle last year energized and excited about me and my life -- and having had some time alone to examine things, i thought it was the right time to talk about ending the relationship.
but a funny thing happened. my wife acted excited to see me. we had a nice dinner. she yes SHE initiated sex after i had already gone to bed... and so, the conversation didn't happen.
i made that choice.
since that time, we've talked more explicitly. there have been some changes.
but i'm still right here.
after my wife and i talked about a very interesting job opportunity for me that's far from where we live, i had my 3rd phone interview. i told her it went great. she said "it's not up for discussion... there's no way." the next day, i learned i am a finalist. i told the guy i needed some time to think about flying out there.
it's not over yet.
but i've learned a lot about me...
that it's all about me
and that i'm angry .... with myself.
i'm a finalist for an outstanding job with great pay in a city i think would be a fascinating place to live
which means if i follow my normal course, next year i'll be sitting here at this ok job with some interesting side work going on and blah blah blah
somebody please kick my ass
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
to catch a glimpse
just an image
just to see you for a moment
to catch your eye
a wisp of your scent
to know we shared a space
perhaps an incidental touch
to catch a glimpse
and my heart will
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Broke into the old apartment...
well, i didn't really break in...
but, i did drive by
i'm doing some consulting work in the town where i went to college. and on this rainy day recently i'm up there and after my meeting, i decide to drive around
and i think it might be a good idea to drive by the old apartment -- the one i had for one semester (spring) my junior year. the one in an old house in town that had been divided up into several units -- mine was on the third floor and had a beautiful bay window in the bedroom with roof access. the rooms were nice-sized and i liked it overall -- the girl below me was engaged but about 2 weeks into the semester, she started sleeping with a different guy ... i know all this b/c i heard her talking about it with a friend through the vents (and no, i wasn't trying to listen, but it was an old house)... and of course, i always knew when the guy was over ... she would scream, moan, pant, etc... as they had sex directly below me ... her bed must have been right under mine because i could hear her voice clear as day through the vent next to my bed... it was as if i was there... (and yeah, it was sometimes annoying, but mostly a huge turn-on)
anyway, i used to drink mt. dew there ... the kind with the red and green writing on white background before they changed their can design.
so, i drive into the alley that leads to the parking lot, turn into the next alley, and stop... looking up to the third floor -- remembering walking in at night after long days of class and other activities. i drove up the path i used to walk to campus -- it was 2 blocks from campus and the walk was all uphill.
i started to get sad .. remembering my time there and how that was a really odd and not great time for me...
and then i think -- but here i am. 10 years later. 10 years ago, at 21, i had no idea what i would be doing at 31. 31 seemed far away. i knew the type of job i wanted to have, but didn't really know how to get there. i couldn't imagine anything more than a semester or so away.
10 years later, i have a great job in the field i dreamed of working in ... i have a car (which i didn't then) -- i don't EVER have to worry about how i'm going to pay for next week's meals or if there is money in the checking account to order a pizza or even cover the rent.
it's hard to imagine that i ever was there. sometimes, even here, i'm talked about going back to the college days. and it all seems fun. but the reality is, i wouldn't really go back. not there.
i do think it's important to go back .. to visit that place... and to remember where i was and where i am now. -- to remember that without a lot of hard work and sacrifice, i might still be there. and to know that with hard work, comes reward.
i don't ever want to be the kind of person who forgets where they came from ... no matter what i achieve, i want to be humble. because i know that somewhere ... maybe in my college town, there's a 20 year old who has no idea what's going to happen the next week or how they will pay the rent in 2 weeks. someone whose entertainment consists of sitting on the roof outside their bedroom window, smoking a cigarette and feeding the pigeons... (or listening to the girl below him have multiple orgasms as a break from the monotony of studying) ... someone who works hard and has a vision ... but is not sure how to get there. someone in a down place who maybe has made a bad decision that has hurt him. someone who delights in quiet nights wrapped in the warmth of the library.
and i know that 10 years ago, not too long, really .. i was that person.