Hard As A Rock
Monday, August 30, 2004
A conversation between two minds ...

C: Why is that guy looking at me?

Me: God, she is SOOO fucking hot...

C: is there something wrong with my hair?

Me: I mean, look at her hair, her eyes ... damn

C: He's kinda cute ... but too quiet

Me: If I could just touch her -- just for a moment

C: He probably has some creepy sex fetish

Me: It's been too long since i've touched a woman like that...

C: but maybe, he's one of those quiet guys who's wild on the inside

C: well, he's definitely looking at me ... what the hell is wrong...

C: why doesn't he stop by -- say more than hello ... he's a creep

me: just one touch.

ok ok ... that's my imagined conversation -- have you ever seen someone so delicious that you thought that just one touch from them would send you over the edge?

Friday, August 27, 2004
More M

Got another email from M today.

This was a longer email -- LOTS of detail.

I really enjoy our e-conversations.

She asked me if my wife and I are planning to "start a family"

Well, we already are a family in my book. But, she meant kids, of course.

Not anytime soon, apparently.

I'm realizing, too, that there's a very real possibility that in about 10 years, I may look back and realize I've missed my chance to have a child with my wife. It's not urgent yet -- but the time is coming soon when we'll need to have that discussion and make appropriate plans. I am not really looking forward to this discussion because I think it might mean a more clear split in our relationship.

Yes, so far -- for the last month or so, things have been much better. but if there's no change on the child front in a year, what does that mean?

So, M -- what is going on there. I keep feeling like there's more in store. I think it has a lot to do with the role she played in the drama that led to my engagement almost ending. Too many circumstances that were more than coincedental.

and then, the emails. For a while, we had a great email connection -- we were far apart, but we connected that way -- reading and writing each other -- it was friendly -- but there was another undercurrent. I always smile quietly as I read about her life.. I sense she does the same.

Let me be clear -- I love my wife. I want our life to work together. I want "us" to work. And in that sense, there's no room for another -- and shouldn't be.

In another sense, our relationship has become conflicted and complicated and sometimes unpleasant.

There's a movie or something -- and the line is something like, "What happens when you find your "soul mate" but you're already married?" -- I don't know that that's where I am.

I do know that M has been a part of my life for some time now -- a good part of it. What does the future hold? In 5 years, will she still be an email friend who lives at a distance? In 5 years, will she be married? Will I?


Tuesday, August 24, 2004

I finally got an email back from M.

just a hello -- how are you.

she gave me a little update on what's going on in her world.

I was glad to hear from her ... for more information on the significance of M, read some of the very early entries where I start telling this "story"

Anyway, it was nice to hear from her -- to know that she's doing well -- and still quite the peruser of great literature.

I get a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat everytime I see her name pop up on my email messenger (which used to happen a lot) -- I have a lingering, nagging suspicion that our relationship continues and evolves as it does for some reason ...

Monday, August 23, 2004
Strip Club Girl

I had a dream. here it is:

A friend and I were going to some kind of party/strip club type place. In line was this very attractive woman -- scantily dressed -- but not one of the strippers -- she was clearly flirting with me, and i with her. After we'd been at the club for a while, my friend and i left, and there she was again -- StripClubGirl -- she's not anyone i recognize from my real life, but anyway, she came up and just started kissing me (yes, it WAS a dream) ... we made out for a while, it was over.

later on, in the same dream or a different dream, my wife tells me she is leaving me. she's tired of our relationship, she's not interested in sex anymore -- which is my fault, of course -- and then i leave my house -- and there she is, StripClubGirl -- she picks me up in her car and we're off... and that's the end of the dream...

what does it mean?

To clarify one point -- I have been to a strip club exactly twice in my life - once in college with a group of guys -- and one other time -- i can't say that i found the experience especially enjoyable, except for the naked women walking around -- and dancing -- everywhere. but it did make me feel a little -- "dirty" maybe that's the right word.

anyway, any insights on the dream?

Thursday, August 19, 2004

first, i keep passing by this one particular office. there's a new girl there -- it's where C used to work... but she's been moved. Apparently, they keep putting hot girls in that office.

anyway, now i've fairly blatantly found all kinds of reasons to leave my desk and walk past her door .. it's always open. She's unbearably hot. WILD, wild raw, rude, disgustingly wonderful thoughts... YUM!

A -- haven't heard from her in a while.

B -- saw her driving the other day -- but other than that, nothing

C -- as i said, she's moved... gone from our actual office, not around everyday.

M -- got an email from her the other day -- but no response to my response.

oh well.

NewGirl will have to do for now.

Wednesday, August 18, 2004
What to wear ...

This is what the well-dressed writer of these pages will be wearing come winter...

yes, i went to the mall yesterday. Big mistake. I had some down time between work and a night meeting. so, i went to the mall. had a terrible stromboli from sbarro. but i also passed by Brooks Brothers -- i never go in because if i did, i would get into all kinds of trouble -- such a nice, classic look. Then, i went by bachrach -- they're having a sale -- didn't buy anything, though i was tempted. I want a bachrach makeover... i want to get their suits, shoes, ties, etc -- in the meantime, i do a damn fine job of dressing well from stein mart, tj maxx, and department store clearance ... one day, though....

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

My wife cooked dinner last night -- for the first time in a long, long time.

it was GREAT!

i usually plan the meals, do the shopping and cook the meals.

now, we've agreed on a meal-sharing plan where i cook some days and she cooks others -- and still 2 nights of eating out each week.

a conversation i had the other day prompted me to think of this question: what's the longest you've gone without sex?

for me, it was 25 years (then I got married) --- but since i've been married, it's been 4 months.

it occurs to me that my single friends may actually be having less sex than i am. that is, less frequency in that they are not in an active relationship and that they don't just pursue one night stands.

but, especially for my married readers, what's the longest period of time you've gone without having sex with your mate (or another party)?

Monday, August 16, 2004
Leaving Las Vegas ...

Heard this song on the radio this morning on the way into work. Hadn't heard it in forever. The last time I remember hearing it was on Spring Break in 1995 -- I know I've heard it since -- but I heard it then, i was leaving college and going home for the week, my car broke down.

Anyway, the song reminded me of how I felt as I went to bed last night. Wanted to leave. Not b/c of my wife -- that's actually getting better.

It's because I've reached a point of stability -- probably looks like success from the outside ... feels good. and so I'm worried. My whole life has been marked by crisis. Everytime I got to a point where things have felt good and stable, a crisis has happened. Whether it's simply a broken down car that ruins a sheryl crow song or that day i'll never forget when I was 13 (just 16 years ago) and my life changed forever -- because of my dad. No, it was nothing too terrible -- but it changed my life at the time and impacted me for years to come. still does.

Even a few years ago, I had a great first job that I loved ... and I got a job offer at a prestigious company ostensibly doing something I was very passionate about -- I left a good job with good pay and a great boss in a city I loved for a place for which I had high hopes -- the pay was about the same, cost of living a bit higher, and the potential was tremendous -- or so I thought. Within a few months, i realized this was the wrong place for me ... of course, not long after I moved, my wife and i (at the time we were engaged and just a few months from our wedding date) had a fight that led to her deciding she didn't want to marry me -- so, i had a move, a possible end of a relationship, and after we resolved our situation, I was focused on the wedding -- so not so much on the bad job environment... returning from my honeymoon, i got into a rhythm at the job ... and about another 2 months in, i realized -- this job sucks, it's not what i thought -- and i needed to get out.

anyway, so in the course of 6 months, i moved, changed jobs, almost didn't get married, got married, and once I got focused, realized the job and people were driving me nuts.

lots of activity, lots of crisis.

after things calmed down, i worked on getting a new job -- sent out between 4-10 resumes a week ... nothing.


1 interview.




this was overwhelming, the job was getting worse, and while I looked forward to seeing my wife when I got home at night, she was becoming increasingly upset and depressed ... and would let me talk with her/touch her less... no sex.

so, fast forward to january 2003. new job. better pay (slightly) much better people. great environment. i loved it ... still love it.. and it's been almost 2 years now.

that's the problem. Things are going well at the job -- just got a nice raise. Things are going well at school -- and actually, i'm almost finished.

my wife and i have been having better times. It's a point of stability. I finally feel like a real adult. And I finally i'm seeing that my hard work is paying off.

This type of stability never lasts long for me -- or, it never really has. will it now? I don't know that I know how to handle it. And frankly, i'm a bit afraid. will something bad happen soon? Will i inadvertently screw something up?

or, will the stability and relative peace continue -- what will i do then?

anyway, so odd as it may seem, this feeling of stability had me going to bed last night wanting to run away -- to some quiet place and be alone. to think undisturbed. to get way from what seems almost too perfect.

on a less serious note, i've decided i don't really mind the no sex with my wife thing that much -- i mean, for 12 or 13 years before I was married, all the sex i needed i could have with myself... the fantasies were great, the duration and frequency were mostly of my choosing, and no one had to get hurt... of course, once you've got someone living in your house, it's kind of hard to get more than a few minutes alone to find those subtle pleasures ... but, if things keep going the way they're going, maybe the sex will return -- if not, I think i can be reasonably happy with a happier wife who enjoys more cuddling and conversation -- while when the need/desire arises, i can take matters into my own hands...

which leads me to the question: how many of my female readers masturbate?

Friday, August 13, 2004
Love in an elevator...

Today, I heard about another employee sex story -- apparently, he was caught having sex with an intern on the elevator -- reminded me of the Aerosmith song... plus, that seems like a pretty hot scenario, even if it is a bit risky.

wow -- besides really liking the actual work that I do, this job seems like it has quite a bit of other fun activity going on ...

my Dad's coming into town this weekend ... we're going to a football game. should be ok. I like it better when he's here than when I'm at his place -- we can usually get along ok for a few hours at a time. maybe a day, tops -- which is really how long he's staying. it's not that we fight, but there is a tension between us. and there's good reason for it, which i won't get into here.

my wife's back to school -- which means she'll be more tired and even less interested in sex if the pattern holds. (she's a teacher, in case anyone missed that)

overall, she's been a bit happier over the last month -- and even the last few days she's been excited about being back to work ... so, i'm taking that as a good sign. If we can sustain this level of her happiness for a few months, we may well be back on track in our relationship -- I'm very hopeful and trying to exert all my effort in keeping us on track and focused on each other and the positives about our relationship. We've already scheduled another mini-vacation for October -- I want to be sure we give ourselves plenty of time to rest and relax together.

Wednesday, August 11, 2004
Do you get high?

by this i mean, do you get high AT WORK!?

my co-worker -- the one who is getting divorced and who I think is pretty hot lately, was telling me today about her exploits as a young employee -- which included taking lunch breaks on the roof and smoking pot. Then going back to work ... sometimes, she and her friends would go the park and drink and/or smoke pot -- then return to work. Sometimes, they'd just get drunk at the office...

does this happen a lot? are there lots of people getting high at work?

She has also told me about the now infamous "orgy room" in the parking garage -- it's an empty storage room with a table and a couple of chairs and dim lighting -- where apparently some of the staff has orgy parties -- sometimes during the work day, sometimes after hours. I know at least one person who has participated in such a party since I've been here (which will be 2 years in January) --- again, is this a regular occurence? Are there office buildings, schools, etc where people have sex parties and/or smoke pot? how do these people function normally after a hot orgy lunch?

what have i been missing?

murphy -- does this happen where you work?


Tuesday, August 10, 2004

ok, murph -- i definitely will need the womb for a full 3 trimesters -- i mean, that's the plan. And I'm assuming the fee for getting the "materials" into the womb is still the same -- a nice dinner and a good bottle of wine -- does that buy me one try -- or a whole night? What do i need for a full weekend?

oh, and Kelwhy -- sure, we can work out something -- come to my bank and i'll pick you up for lunch -- or hell, how about just coming for lunch?

anyway, as my readers might notice, i'm a tad horny today --

i'm especially desirous for the taste of a woman -- any takers?

if that bank teller would only let me sit under her stool -- and ... well, do a little tasting, she'd have a great day and happily greet her customers.... and i'd be taken care of as well..

ok, ok, i'll stop now --

Wednesday, August 04, 2004
The Teller!

I had sex with my bank teller the other day. It was lunch time, i came in, she was looking especially sexy, and i took her home and had her for lunch.

ok, not really.

but she did look cute -- i have noticed her before -- she looks youngish, i'd say maybe 22 -- dark hair, cute glasses -- girls in glasses drive me wild (does that answer your earlier question, murph?)

so, i went home after cashing the check and took a few minutes to masturbate with her image and first name on my mind...

of course, i'd never so much as ask for her number or try to say more to her than a few pleasantries as the business transaction is done -- but it was a nice little fantasy.

and my wife and i have not had sex since our vacation.

BUT, our relationship is better on other fronts -- she has been more helpful in the household work and more openly supportive of me in action instead of just in word. She's allowed more entry into her personal space -- cuddling, etc. We've had more "fun" together. And that's been really nice.

plus, she's changing birth control pills -- and we don't want to have a surprise baby - - yes, i want kids -- but not just yet -- in another year, i'll be ready for a very serious discussion about that -- and maybe, she'll be up for it -- but so far, no movement on that front. if it doesn't work out, i may have to rent out murphy's womb ... (please, birdie, let me have her for a couple days -- a full week, tops -- )

ok, so i fucked the teller -- that's all.

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