Hard As A Rock
Monday, March 29, 2004
Blown Away

My wife gave me one hell of a blowjob last night.

That hasn't happened in a long, long time. It wasn't one of those rushed, get it over with charity jobs, either. It was nice, took some time, and we both got to touch and explore each other.

She said she knew I had been working hard ... at work, around the house, and she knew that'd help me relax... and she just "wanted to" ... well, hells bells! ... I hope she "wants to" more often now...

it was quite nice.

sure, we still have the emotional issues and others that I've talked about, but more appreciation like that will go a long way -- afterwards, we just held each other and talked quietly and just enjoyed the closeness.

It's what I've been longing for a long time...

Monday, March 22, 2004
I have no home

I can't go home anymore ... I did ... this weekend ... to my Mom's house and I can't do it anymore.

I wanted nothing more than to leave upon arrival ... and it got worse as I stayed. I wanted to run back to MY home... but my wife is there... and when I called her one night, she was rude. She refuses to go with me. I wanted to go home and hold her and let her be my escape ... let her comfort me... let her be MY home...

but she won't. She complains. She comlained when I got home... no one had gotten the groceries (as if she doesn't have a damn car)

she asked me if I wanted to have sex... of course I did .. but I don't want "charity sex" .. I don't want her to fuck me just because she thinks I need it.. I'd rather jack off than that... and so we start screwing around in bed .. b/c we can't have sex until we've both showered and we're in bed ... and she's just not into it and kind of sighs ... and then she won't let me kiss her or get her too excited .... and she quickly moves to take my boxers off ... and puts my cock against her pussy... but she's not too wet... so she lets me lick her for a second... and then pulls my head up ... at this point, I feel like giving up and rolling over, but she rubs my dick against her and it feels kind of nice... and she's rubbing me and letting just my head kind of slip in and I cum pretty quickly... and she gets up, cleans off, and starts asking me some bullshit questions when she comes back to bed... about the laundry and other stuff... I just want to hold her... but when she started talking like that, I said," iwant to hold you" and she said, "fine, let's go to sleep" -- it was like she was doing some job ...

I don't want that .... why doesn't she want me? What more can I do? I'm giving all of me to her... and she sees me as a nice guy as long as I don't inconvenience her... well, fuck that...

but I made a commitment to her for life. And she hasn't cheated on me. She's not physically abusive. She's just not emotionally available... and it hurts... and how many more years will my life be like this?

Monday, March 15, 2004

That is -- D for DISASTER!

About a week ago, I get an email from A -- a character I introduced early on. I ignore it -- but even seeing her name brings back a memory ... She emails again and a third time -- and I don't want to be rude -- so, I respond politely -- and ask about her new job (well, it was new a year ago, the last time I heard from her) -- she writes back -- a long, involved email -- and a 2nd email, telling me she's been dreaming of me...

Here's the problem -- I'm traveling to where A lives this coming weekend -- I haven't told her -- and if I don't, i'm probably ok -- but it's tempting to see her again -- and I know, I know -- those of you reading this are saying, even thinking about this is like cheating -- well, maybe it is... but so far, I haven't told A anymore -- and i'm trying to find a way to be kind to her and end this latest series of advances from A --

So, on to B -- I get home Friday night, and my wife hands me money and says, "our pizza's ready ... go pick it up" --Great -- but then I get there, and of course, B is working -- and looking FINE in her work pants... we talk for a minute and I wonder if she notices the growing bulge in my pants -- and she tells me she now lives even closer to me... so I drive home with a raging hard-on ... I have to lose it before I get in the door, or my wife will make some comment about me being "disgusting" -- or not able to control myself... so I drive for a bit and try to focus on something else...

of course, Friday night was a tough one -- images of A and B in my head ... have you ever tried to masturbate quietly, next to your wife, while she's sleeping ... needing the release and yet not wanting to disturb her? .. well, that was me ... and the release came...

and actually, after a weekend of a lot of outside work now that the weather's warmer, my head's a little more clear -- I can shut A out -- I can take my trip, accomplish my purpose, and A will never know...

Yes, Sam, my wife and I do have a vacation planned -- for this summer, around our Anniversary -- and I think it will help us... and in May, I've planned a short weekend getaway -- just 2 days, but I think we need it ... and hopefully, she'll be pleasantly suprised... and I will, too...

In the meantime, I'm trying to stay focused on work -- and not get distracted by the A's and B's of the world... and of course, I'm still trying to focus on doing those "little things" that I hope make my wife happy -- even though she's not telling me...

All in all, disaster averted ... and a decent weekend...

Tuesday, March 09, 2004
Today is it!

Ok, so this morning, I get up ... my wife has been tossing and turning all night -- and I try to see what's wrong - I eat my breakfast, wake her up, and she seems fine ...

when I get out of the shower, she's bitching about her horrible job (she's a teacher) and how tough it is and how she hates it... and how it's 4 long weeks until Spring Break (I don't get a Spring Break, mind you) -- And I say, "you're always so damn negative" -- and she says, "because everything sucks" -- I can't fucking take it... I can't. I deserve better. I'm a decent looking guy-- I'm smart, I have a good job, I'm ambitious, I work hard ... I treat my wife with the utmost of respect -- I care for her in so many ways -- I cook any meal we eat that's cooked -- I get the groceries -- I iron her clothes -- I go shopping with her and pick out clothes for her (she wouldn't do it without me) -- I take care of the yard -- I plan vacations -- I do all kinds of extras I won't even get into -- and why is it so damn bad to tell your wife you find her desirable -- that she's sexy? -- what the hell is wrong with that?

Why was it ok for me to madly desire her when we dated, but now that we're married, it's wrong -- or dirty -- or I'm a sex addict because I want to have sex with -- yes, one person --my wife.

Does she fantasize about other guys? -- I wish. Because if she did, it would seem like it would make her all charged up and want to fuck me -- If I have a girl's image and first name, I can masturbate to that endlessly -- until the next little distracting hottie comes along -- is that cheating? hell fucking no. I never act on those impulsive desires -- never act to make those fantasies come true.. and I've dated women who have talked openly about their fantasies -- not all of which involved me -- and it was a huge turn-on.

My wife seems intent on living a life of unhappiness -- and whatever I do -- it's not enough -- and frankly, I'm tired of it.

I want to be with someone who wants to be with me. Not someone who says my husband's a nice addition to my life as long as he doesn't distract me from my pre-set plan of how I'm going to live -- when he does, I'll just find a way to get my way, he'll compromise, and I'll get what I want. My wife uses the fact that I want nothing more than her happiness to force me to more than compromise -- but to change the whole course of action to which I am naturally inclined -- if I said no, she'd have a fit -- or be sad -- but then, when I give in -- she's still fucking sad.

I'm tired of it. I want it to stop.

I should be careful what I wish for -- but I deserve better -- and then, is there better out there... and is there better for a guy who got divorced just b/c it wasn't "good enough" -- and I can't believe I'm almost (and just) 4 years into a marriage and the word divorce is crossing my mind -- with her -- this beautiful, wonderful, amazing person I fell in love with -- that I still love -- care deeply about ... why would I want to end it? ... b/c in my mind, I'd rather be single and able to pursue my course without what has become a daily, hourly ... constant problem -- a source of displeasure, discomfort, and sadness...

sure, I'd be sad if we were divorced --but would it be worse than now?

The thing is, with divorce, I can see a window -- a time of upheaval, a steady sadness, and a light that opens after some time has passed... in my marriage, I can't see that light -- I can only see it getting worse... and that's not where I want to go...

Friday, March 05, 2004
Never a night alright for fighting

My wife and I don't fight. Ever.

Ok -- that may seem like a nice thing. And it is. Except that I find that people willing to fight in a relationship have a certain passion -- and not fighting is almost like not caring ... it's like well, you're wrong -- but i'm not going to say anything. Or, I don't like this -- so, instead of confronting you, I'll just let it go away.

Oh, we used to argue some. but not anymore.

We talk -- as I've indicated, we talk about things in our relationship -- I've said things I don't like - or wish would change. but she doesn't seem fazed by it.

I don't want to fight all the time. But I want to be with someone who cares. Who cares enough about me to say ... "you're wrong ... or "I don't like this..

but all -- or a VERY high percentage of any discussions we have about our relationship are started by me ... but she can't be satisfied. can she?

I was thinking today if I only had one person to spend all the rest of my time with, it would be my wife. That's why I married her. because I knew that of all the people I've known, she was the one -- that one person I could share everything with -- anytime -- and I appreciated and cared for her when it was her time to share.

those days are over. That book closed not long after we married.


Women need to understand that men need to feel desired and desirable too. If my wife is not available to me -- sexually, mentally, whatever, what am I to think? -- she's not excited about me? She doesn't find me attractive (even though I've maintained and even improved my appearance since we've been married) -- I don't do enough --? even though I work hard, care for her, cook for her -- and focus on the little things to show her I care... and by the way, get little of the same in return...

what can I do?

Sometimes I wish I were single -- and I don't know that I'd want to be married again. That makes me sad. It makes me sad.

WE dated for 3.5 years before we married -- it's not like I just met her and then decided to marry her -- we spent time together, we laughed and cried together -- we had ups and downs together -- and that's why I thought (and I think she did, too) we'd be a great married couple.

I'm at a point in my life where I'm very happy with my work, my school -- and the direction I'm heading -- I have happiness everywhere except at home -- but that seaps into everything ... maybe it's just a tradeoff -- maybe later I'll have marital bliss and hate my job?? ...

I want to be elated... euphoric -- at the height of an experience only climbing higher -- but it seems like with every step -- there's my wife saying, "you'll never do X" -- (My dream job) -- or , "I can't see you as being good at that"?... what kind of encouragement is that...

i'm saddened by it ... and troubled... and lost. what do i do?

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