Hard As A Rock
Thursday, February 26, 2004
Britt raises some fair questions.
Here are some answers.
First, my deal with my wife is more than about sex.
As I said early, I would like to have kids -- I expressed this frequently when we were dating.
She agreed -- she wanted kids.
Now, no kids. She won't talk about it --and everytime someone brings up their kids, she says, "i'm not having kids..."
Now, I think having kids is largely the woman's decision b/c she has to carry the kid --- BUT, if she had reservations, she should have made them known before I decided to marry her -- or at least before we actually went through with a wedding. The not having kids thing is not recent, it's been there pretty soon after we married.
Yes, we have talked about her depression. Sometimes she agrees there's a problem. I try to be supportive. I've recommended that she seek therapy -- she refuses. She thinks therapy means she's a weak person. She's fine, she says.
Do you know what it's like to work your ass off, come home, be happy, and have someone totally ruin that ... and not just every now and then, but just about every day?
My wife doesn't think I make enough money -- even though 1) she works 2) she's not having kids, so there's no reason for her not to work and 3) i'm young (28) and make a good salary with what appears to be tremendous potential.
SO .... I work 2 other part-time jobs. Everytime I talk about quitting one of them, she says, "we'll sure miss that extra money" -- to which I'd like to say,.... "well then, get your own 2nd job" -- we've talked about her getting a 2nd job -- she refuses....
This means I'm tired ... a lot. And frankly, I'm pretty much too tired for sex most week nights.
I like being naked -- Sam has talked about this -- so does my wife -- we both sleep in the nude -- BUT, once we're in bed, I absolutely cannot TOUCH my wife -- not at all -- she thinks it might turn sexual -- and she would never think of sleeping cuddled up to me ... If we kept our present sexual schedule (a couple times a month in a good month) I can't say I'd be delighted -- BUT, with that plus some other physical attention, I'd be happy -- I love her -- i want to hold her, touch her, and caress her. She says no. She doesn't even kiss me during the week...
Yes, we've talked about this -- her response "I can't be touched when I'm sleeping" -- or, "I don't like my legs, why do you touch my legs" -- you should see her legs -- perfect -- and even if they weren't, she's my wife, i love her, and I'd love her legs...
Our 3rd anniversary --- it was this summer. I made sure we had dinner plans, bought her a gift, got her flowers, the whole deal -- she got me nothing. Not a card, not a gift, nothing. I mentioned it later, and she didn't seem shocked or upset. She said, "but you know I Love you..."
She supposedly tells her friends at work what a great husband I am .... but I want her to SHOW me she loves me ... not by fucking me ... by doing the little things like having a snack ready once in a while when I come home late from one of my THREE jobs ... or massaging my back when I get home... or letting me hold her at night.
I feel drained -- and I could have the best day in the world, and she could turn it to hell in a second and not because i've done or said anything.
I feel like I deserve better treatment. IF she were my girlfriend, I'd have left a year ago. But she's my wife -- we have a 7 year history ... and I MADE a commitment to her for LIFE. I want it to work. The woman I fell in love with -- AND the woman I was married to for the first 6 months of our marriage is a wonderful woman who far exceeded all my expectations... I want her.
where is she?
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
The final primary character in our story -- a true story, the story of me, the final character is M.
I will introduce M in the context of her relationship to my relationship with my wife. I had 2 chances to not marry my wife. Both times, M factored in.
The first time, of course, was in the initial asking -- obviously, if I had never asked, I wouldn't be married to her.
So, here's how M. fits in. I met M after I'd been dating my wife for over 2 years. I was pretty sure then that I would marry her, so I saw M, thought she was cute and nice, and that was that. But M kept popping up, and we talked etc -- NOTHING at all serious.
I bought a ring for my wife over the Internet -- designed it myself and it was shipped to me. The ring arrived and I was not home, so I had to go to the FedEx place to pick it up -- I picked it up and on the way back to my place, I stopped by the grocery store to get some ice cream. On my way out, I see M. She stops and chats with me a bit... and in my head I get the strangest sensation -- and it's a desire to say to M "I have something for you" ... and to just up and offer her the engagement ring - I just had a sense that we were meant to be ...
I didn't do that, and I agonized about it for some time ... but I had a plan for asking my wife to marry me around Christmas -- and as I calmed down a bit, I remembered times she and I had had -- and how I thought she was a good fit for me... and so I went ahead, and she accepted. JOY for me was all I could feel -- and thoughts of M disappeared.
Shortly after the Holidays, I moved to the town where my wife and I now live for a new job -- this was about an hour from where we went to college and where I had my first job -- and about an hour from where M, 4 years younger than me, was still in college.
M and I exchanged e-mails from time to time -- and we set up a "date" of sorts to have dinner with her sister who lived in the same town I did ...
Here's the kicker -- the same week that I'm supposed to have dinner with M, my wife (then fiance) calls me and says she thinks we shouldn't get married. I'm devastated. I tell her to come to my place and tell me that face to face. She won't. I agonize ... feel pain ...cry. I can't imagine life without her. I can't imagine that I've moved to a new town to be closer to her and where she wants to be just to be left alone. We spend the next couple of days on the phone after work pretty much yelling at each other, then crying, etc... all the while, I'm having to cancel with M b/c I want to keep my marriage on track.
On the night I'm supposed to have dinner with M, I seriously think on my way home of heading to M's sister's instead of having another night on the phone with my wife -- another crying, agonizing night. I head toward M's, but I don't go. I think I have to give it one last shot..
And we reconcile -- I guess. well, we're married now, so whatever we said then worked.
But M. is on my mind. What if I had gone there that night and said to hell with my wife? I don't know that I would have married M, but I don't think (I KNOW) I wouldn't be married to my wife now.
I won't see M again until after I'm married. And when I see her, my heart sinks -- b/c I'm now married and totally, completely unavailable to her -- and at this time, fairly happy with how my marriage has turned out.
We continue to email -- to tell each other where we are and what we're doing. She has dated a few guys -- but nothing serious, and currently, she's "available" though a bit further away from me.
I kept thinking that she would go away -- would leave my mind. But she won't. Everytime I think i've heard the last from her, I get an email -- or a thought or something... and I'm taken back to M.
But I'm married. And not to M.
what does it all mean?
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
Ok -- Now it's A
As I continue on with my story, it's now time to meet A.
I've known A about as long as I've known B. Which is to say about 10 years.
A is wildly hot -- not quite as hot as my wife, but much more sensual.
I met A when we both had summer jobs in the same store -- just before my soph year in college -- just before her senior year in high school.
She was flirty and cute then -- but nothing happened between us at that point.
2 years later, she was my first everything (except actual intercourse) -- We were again working at the same store over the summer, and this time, shy, quiet me had the courage to ask her out -- and I was greatly rewarded. She was my first kiss -- she gave me my first blowjob -- hers was the first pussy I ever tasted (quite nice -- want it even now) ... we explored and fooled around ... she had had sex once, i never -- and she wanted to wait until she married ... but what fun we had. We even tried anal once, but she said it started to hurt, and she was nervous, so we stopped... but wow ... what an inauguration into the sensual.
After A broke up with me.... for some inexplicable reasons, I met my wife.
I stayed in touch with A off and on -- but she doesn't know I'm married -- not that she'd care, just that we really haven't "talked" in some time.
About a year ago, A got in touch with me over email -- and we exchanged some very friendly, very sexual emails -- and just kind of played and she called me a couple times and would tease me sexually.
I WANT TO FUCK A. I never did -- now, we've both had sex ... and I want to explore her -- she'd be amazing. It's been 7 years since I've touched her in any way sexually -- but I want it --
IF there was one woman likely to cause me to cheat on my wife, it's A. If she's around ever and even hints at wanting it (and she does -- she really wants to fuck me) ... I'll likely do it -- she has this amazing sexual spell over me... amazing.
Thank God for masturbation -- else I'd probably have driven to find A by now and fucked her like mad.
That's A. A dream fuck if ever there was one -- and I haven't fucked her.
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Ok, so I was planning on writing a post today about how the long weekend and Valentine's day had been a complete bust -- how my wife was tired or whatever and we didn't have any good sex ...
BUT, on Sunday night (not Saturday) -- SHE makes a move -- and how nice is that, and we had some simply amazing sex -- like we haven't had in some time... and after some time and nice foreplay, I achieved delightful penetration and she was very receptive ... and her pussy squeezed my cock and made me cum so much I almost lost my breath... what a release.... and of course, I continued to enjoy her body, and gave her the tongue-lashing she deserved and she came and came and we fell into each other's arms..and what a night
so, this weekend was great...
Monday, February 09, 2004
the next character in our story is B. Where do I start? Well, I'll start with right now. I saw B. last night -- at the pizza place where she works -- she's 25. She's not super-hot but she has some nice features (like the best legs I think I've ever seen) -- she's 5'8", reddish hair a killer ass, and as I said, great legs...
ok, so she works at the pizza place near where I live ... BUT, there's more.
I have known B for almost 10 years -- longer than I have known my wife. When I was in college I was involved in coaching a high school extra-curricular -- B was on the team and needed a LOT of extra help -- so I helped her. As she got a bit older, (she's only 3 years younger than me) she started making advances ... and I tried to be good (and I was good) and the only thing sexual that would happen between us was in my thoughts at night (and maybe in hers, too) ... she was always telling me she was a virgin (she knew i was too) and then she made a special point to tell me she had turned 18 -- but she was still on the team, so for me, off limits... then, she up and went to the college in the town where she lived (where I was still in school -- I was a senior, she a freshman) -- at that point, I was dating A (a character I'll introduce later)
so again, b was off limits. But she made me want her in an inexplicable way ... I couldn't help it ... but I wasn't about to cheat on A even though A lived in a different town than B and I .... so, I missed a window.
so, about a year ago, B moves to my town (about an hour from where we went to college) ... and I hadn't heard from her in several years and she sends me an email...
of course, now I'm married.... and she's totally available. and so when I leave the pizza place i have an immense erection because of b ... and I want to ... feel compelled to tell her how I feel and how I felt and how I feel like I treated her badly then and even if we can't make it up now, she should know? ... but won't that open a HUGE can of worms?
so that's b.
Friday, February 06, 2004
My wife is 28. just a few months younger than me.
She is beautiful. I find her cuddly and cute.
She is depressed and negative. We're young ..
Everything sucks in her world. Everything.
I could be having a perfect day, come home, and she's bitching about
She doesn't want kids. I do. I didn't know this when we married.
She has stopped enjoying sex... that is, she's told me she wouldn't
care if She ever had sex again...
it's not you, she tells me. but what the hell am I supposed to think.
I'm pretty sure it's not me, because before she stopped fucking me, we used to have one hell of a time... especially in college, and even better for about the first 4 months of our marriage.
from there, shit went downhill.
We've talked about it ... about trying for at least once a week. Then, she's tired, or sick, or just doesn't want to be touched.
She won't let me touch her.
I love her.
I give her flowers ... send her notes and cards at work..
I'm a romantic guy .. and I try to show her how much I care.
I support her when she's down (which is a lot) ... and it's draining.
I'm stable. I'm generally happy.
this is NOT just about sex, though that would be nice every now and again...
she has a beautiful body. She is the only woman I've ever had sex with. I am the only man she's ever had sex with. I want to explore and enjoy this experience of youthfulness in marriage.
She hates her job but won't do too much about it.
In spite of this apparent negativity, I love my wife...
Cast of Characters -- First, me
I'm a 28 year old guy. I have a professional job. I'm married. For nearly 4 years now.
I have a good job. I own a home. I have a cute wife who I fell in love with at college.
I still love my wife -- madly.
I have some cognitive dissonance.... some disturbances ... some desires about other women... some intriguing encounters.
this is my true story ... my journal. my life.
Monday, February 02, 2004
This is a true story. It is my story. It is the story of me, my wife (thewife) and 3 other main characters -- all female -- M, A, & B. ok, so I'm not so creative. whatever.
more to come.