Hard As A Rock
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Exactly ...

"Generally you're friends but she is not the love of your life."

that's exactly it.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

the "perfect" day for me happened in March of 1993. I was 17. I've written about it before, so I won't go into too much detail. there have been other "perfect" days. not too many. but that's the day i go back to when i think of innocence, of complete happiness, of not thinking about anything else in the world.

so, as part of my evolution of thought and being ... i'm going to start making decisions the way that 17-year-old would have. trust me, that kid knew what was going on ... he was wise and his vision was clear.

i never want to stop seeing the world the way i did when i was 17. all the wonder and excitement.

if you let yourself get clouded by too many influences, you lose the clarity of vision ... and then, you just lose.

as you experience more, more things become "acceptable." you make decisions you would never have thought of at 17.

i have no illusions about going back... about doing it all over. I know I can only go forward. But I'm going forward with the experience of 31 years and the renewed heart and mind of 17.

i'm smiling as i write this. that perfect day warms me. i can still feel it. and I'm reclaiming ME.

Monday, October 09, 2006
Return to Innocence

Yes, just like the Enigma song -- which is now stuck in my head.

Return to Innocence. That's my new mission. Some say it's impossible -- that once you've crossed the line, tasted the fruit, you can't go back.

But I had an epiphany in the car this weekend. After a tense moment with my wife, I went for a drive. First angry, I initially calmed down and enjoyed the cool fall air. And that's when it happened (no, enigma's song did not come on the radio). But i knew what i had to do. It made perfect sense.

Return to Innocence.

Become the me that I have been in the past .. become the me that i can be.

Shed the distractions and just be me.

You can return. No, not like those weird "virgin-again" groups suggest. But you can recapture your spirit. Your ability to feel.

So, I'm going back to go forward.

Return to innocence.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006
Information that would have been useful...

sometime 6 years ago ...

such as my wife's recent remark..."i'm not sure i should have gotten married."

she tells me she doesn't feel good about the type of wife she's been and that she thinks maybe she should have not married me b/c i'm a good guy who deserves a great wife.

but wait. she did try to tell me 3 months before our wedding that she didn't want to get married ... a huge fight ensued. we made up. and resolved to stay on course.

at that time, i couldn't imagine being with anyone else. ever.

since that time, we're still friends. we live together and have built a solid financial partnership. we still know each other better than anyone else.

but we have a relationship at home that's more like having an opposite sex roommate who you very occasionally have sex with instead of a marriage partnership.

she's clearly frustrated and depressed. that's draining. for both of us. I am no longer patient. Nor do i go "over the top" for special occasions... her birthday this year was dinner and a book. and flowers. ok, so maybe all of that was nice. just not the norm for what i typically plan and arrange around special days.

anyway, i expect the next conversation may be something like... "hey, rock, i think maybe we made a mistake..."

so, when she made this revelation ... i told her i wish she had told me 6 years ago. She admitted we had struggled some lately. but she loves me.

maybe if spend more time focusing on some of the good things, more good things will happen.

every relationship has it good and bad points ... the question is -- can i live with and find some happiness in -- this relationship and its bad points?


so maybe that's it for this blog.

we'll see.

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