It's over

the class i'm teaching, that is. Last night was the last night -- it went fine, I guess. I haven't particularly enjoyed this group of students. they seem to be especially lazy and unwilling to accept the challenge of hard work.

i had one student, though, who asked for my phone number during the break... no, my work number wouldn't do -- what if she wanted to call me over the summer? ... didn't i have a cell number or something? ... how can she get in touch ... it was rather awkward. I told her I didn't have a cell phone (which is partially true -- i have one -- recently acquired, but hardly ever on) ... I'm probably the last person i know in my profession to get a cell phone.. hell, everybody's got them... even 10 year old kids sometimes... ok, but that's a tangent

she was really rather persistent... i couldn't tell if she was just fucking with me to try and get a better grade or if she was trying some way to really get in touch with me for something else after class... what's going on? this has NEVER happened to me before... i usually try to maintain a safe distance from my students -- yeah, I want to be friendly and nice and I care about their success, BUT, there's a dangerous line you shouldn't cross -- a line that if crossed, creates questions -- even if NOTHING is going on -- i don't want to open that door, so I don't.

oh, and yes, she was one of the 2 girls I had mentioned taking notice of in a previous post...

well, that's over. the class .. the conflict. I'm really getting tired of teaching this subject, though -- it's been nice, but I've done it for 5 years -- that's 10 semesters and 2 summer sessions -- of the same intro level course... i try to change it up a bit each time, but it is still just basic material ... in the fall, i had a great class ... so it was more fun, but this class has really worn me out -- there just wasn't a good connection between the group -- or much responsiveness to me despite my attempts to be fresh and engaging...

ok, enough griping... it's Friday...

I get to do yardwork .. tonight, some tomorrow... i can't wait .. i love my time outside... i love it when it's not too hot .. and I love when it's so hot I can barely breathe, when my clothes are soaked in sweat, my hair is drenched, my muscles are moving, burning, i love to feel like i've worked hard physically... (i'm not a huge guy by any means) -- but i like the physical work... for a good part of my college career, I worked a job that required heavy lifting and strong physical work .. i loved it -- because it wasn't mentally engaging .. and because it was 8 hours a day (or 10 or 12) that I could focus on the task at hand and not be burdened by other issues in my life -- and b/c when i went home, the job stayed there... i could get off, go out with friends, sleep, and do it all again day after day.. it was simple, pure, and honest...

i'm getting ready to leave work ... and I have 2 more weeks to be in class and then it's SUMMER!
- posted by rock @ 1:36 PM

 
Feelings ...

today, I feel tired. I felt like hell this morning. I've been working pretty hard -- and it's the busy time for me at work -- it's fun, but I'm exhausted ... I drank a Mt. Dew for breakfast today and had a non-diet, full-fledged coke for lunch (with fried chicken) (I usually don't drink too many carbonated beverages -- I try to only have 1 a day at most) -- ok, i'm getting a little parenthetical.

I have noticed yet another hot co-worker today -- great shoes and super-sexy legs. Of course, being a guy (and being a human) I notice attractive people -- but, I've noticed recently (like the last month or so) I've been especially attentive to such distractions... why? and of course, I'm still in no position to do anything about it ... would I were I single? ... probably not -- but who knows?

also, maybe I should be more rude or mean. it seems to me that there are plenty of women who bitch about their mean husbands/boyfriends who are generally inattentive -- YET they are still with these lame guys -- why? b/c if a guy is an inattentive jerk most days, you take special notice of the "good days" .. and the half-hearted attempts at romance that are really aimed at getting you in bed... meanwhile, guys with a romantic streak (like me) (just call me mr. parentheses) -- get nowhere -- women (like my wife) expect all the "good behavior" and "nice surprises" and pampering, etc -- so, it's not appreciated ... and of course, they feel no need to return the behavior because 1) they feel they deserve it and 2)why? ... they're getting what they want, doesn't that make the other partner (the guy) happy?

ok -- enough for now --
- posted by rock @ 1:01 PM

 
the Meeting

today in a meeting I took notice of a particularly attractive female co-worker. I had seen her around before, but today, sitting in a meeting, losing focus -- i noticed her. Dark hair, deep blue eyes -- amazingly attractive. Does she notice me? hmm.. I pondered ... I thought -- I was pleasantly paying even less attention to the meeting.

ok -- and now, back to my real life -- my wife last night told me I was a very good person -- and that she knew I worked hard -- and that I was just very wonderful. That was nice.

I like hearing her say things like that -- I know they are true. I know I work hard, I know my heart is good -- she has said things like this before, mind you -- maybe she's finally realizing how much I do -- and how focused i am -- not just on my job -- but also on our relationship ...

if she would show me more, that'd be great... if she would work more too, that'd be great... I'll keep hoping... (How long can I hope?)

i never wanted things to be this way -- I "escaped" a troubled childhood and I feel like I deserve a strong, meaningful relationship -- a wonderful relationship ... a partnership ... I guess few people end up with that?

how many times will the cycle repeat? when will things change? will they?

oh, well -- maybe some naughty thoughts about a newly "discovered" co-worker will make the day better....
- posted by rock @ 1:51 PM

 
Back to life, Back to reality

Thanks to all those who wished me well. Here's a rundown of the "reunion" -- and keep in mind, this was the longest period of time we've been apart in 4 years.

So, I have wine and roses waiting on her when she gets back -- I don't drink, but she enjoys a glass of wine every now and then -- and I thought this would be the time...

After unpacking, she decided the floor was a little dirty -- apparently, i hadn't maintained her standard of clean -- so, at around 10:00 at night, she began to vacuum ... this is NOT abnormal behavior -- sometimes, I'll be watching the news or something late at night, and she'll just get this urge to vacuum...

well, i figured she was glad to be home ... and needed to get out some of the energy from a long trip...

she loved the flowers ... and enjoyed two glasses of wine... which made her feel relaxed...

I tried to kiss her -- she didn't really respond, didn't really kiss back -- but, she's tired, I reasoned...so, she took a shower and we went to bed .. I didn't fall asleep as well, I must admit, sharing a bed made me feel cramped -- primarily because she can't be touched while in bed

the next day (saturday) -- was relatively uneventful -- we slept WAY in -- got up very late, I made a special breakfast, I did some yard work, and we went out to eat and just kind of drove around ... it was a slow, relaxed day ..

at night, I tried to be more amorous -- hugging and cuddling her - she seemed to enjoy that ... she had a glass of wine that night, as well -- we went to bed -- and I again tried to just kiss her (keep in mind, it's not like I'm groping her or going for sex or touching her breast --- though I wouldn't mind touching her this way) -- -- again, she doesn't respond -- she pecks back, then turns around ''good night" she says...

that's it -- apparently, we're back to normal -- apparently, being away from me for a week has no impact on her -- apparently, I'm not all that desirable to her -- apparently, she didn't miss me...

Sunday, I was ready to leave -- I enjoyed some time alone -- walking. I also cooked both breakfast and dinner -- this morning, I made her lunch.

I missed my wife while she was gone -- but if you had given me another week, I think I could have gotten used to it -- I needed this time to be clear -- to think and be on my own -- and I tried (am still trying) to approach "us" in a new way ... but I also realized I am secure alone -- I am "me" alone -- and I rather like it -- which is what I suspected...

this morning I waited until a little later to leave -- so she would go before me -- I masturbated -- thinking of various images -- none of them my wife... I needed that release -- I needed the touch -- I wanted hers -- and I don't know what else to do to make her see that, feel that, want that -- to want to share with me our desire -- maybe she doesn't have that much desire -- maybe she should work to be a "partner" to me ... I don't want to be some lonely married guy who's only outlet is jacking off from time to time in the moments I get alone -- have you ever tried to masturbate quietly while someone sleeps next to you? ... I don't want to be like Kevin Spacey's character in American Beauty ... it's funny, I saw that movie before I was married and thought to myself how sad that would be -- I jokingly told my friend that would be me in a few years -- well, it is me... except my job is fine, it's just the wife that's no fun ... and not just not fun--

so, thank you to all who have shared your experiences -- (sam and marissa) -- and thank you to those who keep reading and commenting and watching...
- posted by rock @ 1:09 PM

 
Today

My wife comes back from her trip today. It's been a pleasant week without her -- though I admit I have missed her presence (our cat has missed her, too) - I have had some time to reflect -- to pause and think about things -- and to just have some very quiet "me" time. I hope that this will cause me to approach our relationship in an even more positive way -- to give me a refreshed view of what's going on in our lives.

On another note, in the college class I teach, there are 2 especially attractive students ... I must admit that though I would NEVEr date a student, this semester has been a trying one in terms of trying to maintain my focus while teaching ... I don't know why this has happened more this semester than in previous classes I have taught -- but next week is our last class, so that distraction will be out of the way ...

i'm getting to a point in the year where I'm quite tired -- exhausted, even -- I like it, sometimes -- I like that end of the day feeling you get when you are just wiped out -- I've found that doing a little physical activity at the end of such a day (shooting basketball, lifting weights, riding a bike) -- can take away the gritty feeling -- and makes for excellent sleep!


- posted by rock @ 12:24 PM

 
2 Nights

Ok, so I've spent the last 2 nights without my wife ... it's been interesting, b/c I've become so accustomed to our routine -- to coming home -- however late or early -- and her being there.

So, I've had a couple nights to just be alone -- and I can say I don't really remember what it's like to be a "single guy" -- to come home to an empty place. It's been 4 years since that was my life. In the last year prior to our marriage, I lived alone -- and in a city an hour apart from my wife -- so, I was both alone and without easy access to her ... I felt good during that time... it was like being in college only with money ...

anyway, so the last two nights have been different for me -- and I'm sure that if this lifestyle became the norm, I could get used to it -- or find more things to do to occupy my time...

I must say, too, that I kind of miss being around my wife at night -- I guess the real verdict will be next week -- when she's back and we're back on our regular schedule -- how will that compare? ... will we simply fall back into our routine ... or, will we find something new -- will I be sucked in to the comfort of the familiar ... or, will my wife continue to make me nervous and anxious with her behavior...? ... we'll see how it turns out...


- posted by rock @ 11:31 AM

 
Hard Rock Weekend

ok, so here's my weekend...

Saturday night, I visit my nieces (my sister-in-law's kids) -- they live about 2 minutes from our house... my wife and her sister go out shopping and so I hang out with the kids and their dad (who I get along with pretty well) -- anyway, so the girls want to watch a movie and it's "Pocahantas 2" -- I have never seen the first one (I don't usually watch disney cartoon movies) ... but let me just say that it wasn't long into the movie before I found it offensive... and it just kept getting worse... has anyone out there seen this?... the patronizing way they address the "savage" ... the way a big, strong white man is needed to rescue the "savage" ... the way it's important for the savage to adopt white euro customs in order to "advance the cause of peace"..

I've heard the first movie is just as bad -- if not worse...

I don't have kids ... but if I ever do, i guess i'll have to screen their disney films to be sure they aren't promoting some sort of white euro hegemony -- not to mention the patriarchal discourse evident in most disney films -- where a dainty female character is "rescued" and "cared for" by a huge man who fights off the "bad guys" and other suitors.

on another note, I heard the five for fighting song "100 years" on Sunday -- i've heard it before, but this time, I just couldn't listen ... i just started to cry ... I pulled over and just cried for a minute ... i needed that.... but it was painful, too ... i realized (as I do from time to time) that i was somewhat robbed of a childhood ... sure, I did fine with the decisions I had some control over... but it was things out of my control that screwed up that time in my life... now, i've lost those years -- i'll never get them back... and I know lots of kids have parents that suck and lives that are bad... but I don't guess I've fully appreciated the pain in my life until i've had many years to get away from it and reflect...

for example, having a dad is great ... and very important for a young man... but it's even MORE important to have a dad you can respect ... to set a good example ... if you're going to be a shitty dad, go ahead and just get the hell away from your son so you don't fuck him up, too

if you looked at my life now, you would never know that anything had gone wrong ... i'm married, have a great house, good job (which i love) ... i have a graduate degree, etc... i realize that I can't relive those days that are gone... but it's still difficult to look back... I guess I feel like I've been running for so long ... and now, i'm kind of settled, kind of in a groove, and it's given me time to reflect.... and unfortunately, i have a vivid memory (which normally is a good thing).... I know intuitively that this reflection will only make me stronger -- but it's painful nevertheless..

finally, my wife is out of town all this week... I think this will be good for both of us... this will be the longest period of time we've been apart since we've been married... and I think that has its benefits... (the being apart now part) ... maybe I can reflect more on that ... and maybe I can take some time to just be me... and I'm pretty sure that will be nice
- posted by rock @ 7:12 AM

 
Rock's Secret

maybe i have a secret too? ... maybe I'm stealing vortexia's hook -- because maybe it's just damn good -- or maybe i'm stuck on it .. or maybe I can't find me own..

is there a girl named vortexia? ... is there a guy named rock?... is rock not his real name... or even a name he goes by? ... is he at work too late ... waiting for his second job...?

does he dream of summer... of lazy, hot nights -- of daydreams and nightdreams... of trips to nowhere...

is he figuring things out... is he reflecting and learning... are thoughts dancing in his head.. maybe they are... maybe she is.. maybe he's dancing in hers

maybe this message is too long... maybe i work way too hard.. maybe one day it will pay off... maybe right now i'd like to get off...

maybe i respect her for being a virgin -- maybe resisting temptation makes her strong... maybe i've been through the same thing -- maybe i'd do it again...maybe not...
- posted by rock @ 4:12 PM

 
Maybe

maybe I linked up Vortexia -- maybe that's really her name...?

i'm at work now ... but I'm not working -- not now -- not just now.

I'm here to escape for a minute -- to write -- to put thoughts out there for the world (however small my readership "world" is) .. for that world to read -- to comment on, to think on .. I'm sure there are many out there, like Daphne, who read often and comment infrequently -- but I love the comments .. long for them... for the affirmation...

what kind of work do I do?... maybe a later post will tell.

but maybe (and mostly) -- I work in PR ..
- posted by rock @ 12:01 PM

 
7 years

is that enough time? ... that's how long I've been with my wife including 3 years of dating...

as I've indicated in some comments, things have been better for the last couple weeks -- is this a change for a while -- or just for now? ... what has caused it?

time will tell. But, since my co-worker is going through a divorce -- she's been married 24 years, but says she would have divorced 10 years ago if it weren't for kids (she stopped having sex with her husband over 4 years ago) -- I wonder ... how long should one accept unpleasant, miserable or nearly miserable conditions ... before giving up -- and going a different route? We have no kids... we both make about the same money. There'd be nothing to argue over... BUT, we both committed to one another -- in a step beyond just "exclusive dating" or a long-term relationship...

on another note, one of my readers has posed some questions regarding religion and sexuality -- and I must say, it does seem that most religions focus significant time and attention on regulating the sex act -- no sex until marriage, no sex outside of marriage, no sex except for procreation, no sex that's "impure" -- meaning nothing but intercourse (none of the fun "other" stuff) ... no sex between a man and a man or a woman and woman -- no use of birth control during sex ... and then, after sex, no control by a woman over her own body... why?? Was Jesus really concerned about all this? -- A reading of the Gospels seems to indicate a firm "NO" -- so, why do the religions -- man-made -- and yes, most are still dominated by men -- seem so intent on regulating sex?

I say this from the perspective of one who waited until marriage to have intercourse -- though I did experience other sexual situtations prior to marriage (but only with a grand total of 2 women -- my wife and one other) .. so, i guess MAYBE i'm susceptible to some of this persuasion -- or, I was when I was younger - and relegated most of my sexual expression to masturbation -- (of course, for some religions, I'm going to hell for that, too)...

why?
- posted by rock @ 2:29 PM