VACATION

yes, i'm taking a much-needed vacation ... with my wife.

Sometimes, i just want to be alone. BUT, i really, really need this time off... time away. and maybe, for the two of us, it will be a good experience.

but on the way to work this morning, i thought: I really want to be alone. To have one week away from here ... away from everything ... just by myself.

I think it would be nice -- to pick a random town, small, miles away, and just go there. get a hotel room. Spend the week. see what is to be seen.

the only problem: I might like it too much and decide to stay.
- posted by rock @ 11:16 AM

 
You do everything...

That's what my wife said to me yesterday -- she said, "I feel like you do everything..."

I said, "I do." -- she said, "no, it's not supposed to be that way..." I said, "I know it's not, but it is... I do everything... or at least, most of it..."

She said .. "why"

I said, "I don't know why.... it's just that way ... and it's wearing me out..."

She said, "i don't want it to be that way..."

i said, "then start doing some stuff..."




We're taking a vacation this weekend ... actually, 5 whole days of no work, no school -- just us..

maybe we'll talk more .. maybe this will start a new chapter in our now 4-year marriage...


- posted by rock @ 9:43 AM

 
crying


ok, yeah, i'm a guy -- and no, i haven't cried yet -- but damn if i don't want to...

no, it's not my wife.

i don't know what it is..

maybe i need a vacation

maybe i'm having my "time of the month" -- you know, low testosterone that's making me extra-sentimental..

i really don't know...

i've been very emotional lately -- on the verge of tears, sometimes...

i want it to stop... i want to feel the wonder and joy that come with happiness...

why can't i get there...?
- posted by rock @ 12:40 PM

 
A and more...

i'll be damned if that crazy A didn't send another email last night -- much nicer, i guess -- and in closing, she said she wanted to have phone sex... ok, 1)as I've said, i'm not really into A anymore -- yeah, we had some hot times many years ago -- and yeah, she's still very attractive but... 2)i'm not going to do this ... not with her... 3) i was relieved she was done emailing me..

i'm ignoring her... if she sends a bunch more emails in a frantic panic to see if i'm alive, fine... i'll tell her 1)stop 2) don't ever again...


on to another topic:

I think i've written about this in another way at a different time... i just heard on the way to lunch (i never take a lunch, so today was a rarity) the Butterfly Boucher song "Another White Dash" -- it made me remember wanting to run away -- wanting to get as far away as I could -- no, not from my wife -- from my "home" if you can call it that... it was just a few short years ago that I felt an amazing sense of pain -- of, well, pain ... those memories still come back, still hurt -- but I got away -- yeah, i confront the issues -- the people -- when i need to .. but i got away -- and i have a sense of pride in my work and in my life since i've "escaped" -- since i moved on ...

sometimes i still want to run away -- i don't know why -- maybe it's just instinct.

on the wife front, she's actually been much nicer -- she's actually kissed me a couple days when i come home from work -- remember, she's not much into me touching or kissing her -- except at approved times and locations... so, that's better...


- posted by rock @ 11:49 AM

 
say bye to A

A, who I wrote about early on, sent me a rather nasty email the other day -- telling me she no longer wished to talk with me, correspond, whatever...

As i mentioned earlier, I she had been in the cycle of emailing me again a couple months ago - i was in the habit of not responding or responding in curt fashion...

as much as i described a physical attraction to her earlier -- I simply cannot put up with the other behavior that ultimately led to our break-up when we were dating ... plus, frankly, she's annoying.

so, for now, A is gone

and for that matter, I haven't heard from B (though she lives in town now) in over a month ... and the last I heard from M, she was very, very busy and didn't have much time to talk...(over 2 months ago)

so, the cast of characters may be changing -- after the recent encounter with DebateGirl, i haven't seen her or heard from her... and probably won't until school starts again -- hopefully, I will handle that situation well -- and with the professionalism it demands -- because I do realize her potential as a student, future grad student, and good friend -- and don't want to jeopardize that at all...


- posted by rock @ 10:17 AM

 
discovery

i had a thought this morning -- a little over two years ago, i was in a job i hated -- ok, i liked the work, but the work environment was hell -- i was there for 3 years ... it was a huge change from my previous job which i loved -- it was horrible... during the last 6-8 months, i knew i would leave -- I was applying furiously while trying to work the amazingly demanding hours the job required and getting no satisfaction -- i began getting less and less significant assignments, and i knew the feeling was mutual - that there would be a separation soon.

i was miserable. and so, i looked forward to a few things -- one of them was just seeing my wife -- she was always home when i got home -- and while she wasn't always happy -- and she was still kind of negative, her face gave me peace -- her smell next to me in bed helped me sleep --

BUT -- for the last year and a half i have been in a wonderful job-- a fabulous work environment -- great coworkers, good job, a chance to move up and move on shortly (as i've written about before)

Therefore -- I believe -- and perhaps i'm a bit slow -- that my newfound work happiness has made me feel more whole and just generally better -- and magnified the negativity that existed before with my wife -- like i said, before, she was still negative ... still controlling, but compared to my job, her negativity seemed to pale...

now, i'm moving up, feeling great, feeling complete -- and her negativity is more pronounced -- her lack of support more frustrating ... i feel like she should be happy for me -- should be reveling in the new, more complete me... and she's not -- and that's the problem ... a big problem...


- posted by rock @ 11:23 AM

 
DAMN

... I wish I was your lover!

Does anyone remember that song from Sophie B. Hawkins? When it came out, i wanted to be her lover -- she is HOT! -- ok, but today, i heard it in the car -- completely rare and random as it's not getting much playing time of late I'm guessing -- and I thought, damn, sophie b. hawkins is probably still hot -- oh, and I also thought "hmm... wouldn't it be nice to have someone want me in that way?" --

keep singing, sophie b. -- i'm listening!
- posted by rock @ 2:25 PM

 
can she do anything?

my wife needs me to help her do everything -- if she writes a thank you note, she wants me to read it -- to make sure it sounds ok and there aren't any errors ... if she's doing homework, she wants me to help ... to check stuff, to format, etc -- if she's got an event planned, she wants me to make sure i think her plans are ok before she proceeds...

dammit! why can't she do this shit on her own! I don't have her edit my papers -- because i've asked before, and she doesn't "have time" -- i don't have her edit my cards i send out -- i can take care of myself -- i came to the conclusion this weekend that while I am perfectly capable of living on my own and being satisfied, she is not - without me, she would be lost -- and need someone to guide her ... in a sense, perhaps I complete her ... which sounds like a nice thing to say, but in a relationship, it's not really that great... i am complete on my own ... and i want to be with a complete person -- two complete, independently functioning people make a relationship work ... by bringing their complete person to the table -- and sharing their skills, insight, etc. with the other...

1 complete person and a dependent is a parenting relationship -- and it's not fun for either party...


- posted by rock @ 2:15 PM

 
WOW!

i'm showing a HUGE spike in my readership over the weekend -- apparently, a TON of people came by to check out my site -- and I wasn't even posting...

it doesn't appear to be a glitch as I've already had a large number of hits today

for those of you who somehow got turned on to my site only to find me not posting for a few days, I say WELCOME -- i'm back at it... and keep reading ... and commenting, if you're so inclined
- posted by rock @ 9:56 AM

 
is it bad?

is it bad if during a sexual encounter your mind wanders to someone else -- to another person you'd like to think was giving you the pleasure you are enjoying?
- posted by rock @ 9:06 AM

 
long weekend

i'm having another long weekend this weekend -- i'm taking tomorrow off -- don't know what i'll do just yet..

and yeah, murphy, I talked to my wife last night about a baseball game - she said she'd think about it, so that's progress... it'd be nice to have an afternoon together (i think, depending on her mood at the time) -- if she thinks about it too long, i'm just going to go ahead and go here in the next couple weeks

anyway, i probably won't post too much over the long weekend -- but i may appear in your comments, so keep checking!
- posted by rock @ 12:09 PM

 
take me out

to the ballgame -- take me out to the crowd -- murphy's talk of baseball has me longing for a day game -- i visited the website of our local minor league team -- and i think i'm buying a ticket for a day game next week ... yeah, i'll probably go alone -- but it'll be nice to be out of the office, in the sun, and watching a game with some popcorn and a coke or two (which is about all i can afford with the prices...) ...

baseball's a nice, relaxing sport -- one you can watch casually and enjoy -- and that's why i like it.. it's not my favorite sport (football is) -- but it's a warm-weather sport -- a lazy day sport -- so, i think i'm going.


- posted by rock @ 11:34 AM

 
what to post?

i seem to have a good number of readers -- and apparently, many of you are checking in regularly to see what's going on ... so, i feel i must post!! post!

well, plus, there's the fact that all this writing is a good experience for me -- and all the comments give me a variety of perspectives, so, thanks!

i've had an incredibly busy day -- including an important meeting followed by my wife calling me to say I hadn't called her and what was i doing? (I usually call her on days she's in class to make sure she's awake -- today, i forgot -- as i was very busy and she last reminded me at midnight) -- i really enjoy being yelled at by someone who can't set her own alarm clock and gets to spend the summer sleeping until 10 or 11 in the morning while i'm out working -- sure, she's in school 2 days a week -- but it's not like she has morning classes or some other stressor .... 3 week days of no class, 2 days of class... how nice would that be? well, I'll tell you-- i think i could manage to get myself up in time to drive to meet the group i'm carpooling with ... and i think i wouldn't much yell at my husband if he were the kind of guy who routinely does a superb job of taking care of me...

plus, having relationship "spats" while you're at work really kind of ruins the day -- i would NEVER call her when she's at work and tell about something she did that pissed me off unless it was terribly urgent -- and even still, that kind of thing is best handled at home, in person, and when the other party isn't focused on completing the tasks that pay the bills. did i mention i was busy -- ? her call was sandwiched in between 2 other very important calls from people i work with --- how do you think i felt on the call after the one from my wife? .. .well, i'll tell you -- rattled and unfocused -- fortunately, i always have a seemingly "even-keel" presence and that means the other party had no idea ... but I had to stop for a few minutes after the call to collect my thoughts and focus on the work generated by the 2 non-wife calls...

someone once told me that a man who is calm in the face of a storm or conflict is incredibly sexy -- well, if that's the case, I must be mr. sexy -- all i do is handle conflicts and crises -- not to mention relationship issues -- always with a calm and steady tone and a clear head... (well, most always, anyway) --

enough for now.
- posted by rock @ 12:35 PM

 
one of the guys

lots of guys have guys -- you know, friends they hang out with or drink with or play ball with or fish with ...

not me.

no guys.

i used to -- back in college -- we'd do all sorts of guy stuff... despite our nerdy intellectual pursuits (history and political science majors on the debate team) -- we played basketball, football, etc -- hung out together... even after I met my wife, i had "guys" -- and we did stuff...

now, my wife has few friends -- and doesn't really hang out with them ... so, when i have free time, she expects me to spend all of it with her... (and i do, mostly) -- but anytime I want to do something else that doesn't include her, she gets all whiny and possessive... i do have a couple college friends who don't live too far -- but i haven't really had much opportunity to develop new relationships -- yes, i'm busy working a full-time and part-time jobs... but it would be nice to sometimes just sit with "the guys" and just be guys -- watch football, etc... this past fall, I finally convinced my wife that if I spent 3 or so hours on a Saturday watching one football game, that was ok .. b/c we did tons of stuff she wanted to do, it was cold outside anyway, and i worked hard all damn week so I should at least get some "me" time... me time is very important...

ok, this is rambling a bit, so i'll end now...
- posted by rock @ 12:40 PM

 
What's up with ...

Rock and drinking? ... you might ask.

well, i never drink -- never have. I've had a couple sips of beer and a glass of champagne -- that's it --for my whole life.

I used to think Prohibition was a great idea -- alcohol is (can be) a destructive force -- it serves no real purpose -- it hinders brain activity, it's a depressant, etc. etc. -- it has side effects in line with some drugs when abused...

After college -- yes, even in college -- with the fun I had at drunken parties while I was still sober -- I generally opposed drinking... I began to realize what a force alcohol is ... people at work will say, "I can't wait to get home and have a (insert interesting drink here)" -- it's like they're little kids waiting to get home and have a chocolate bar -- it amazes me what juvenile attitudes adults have about drinking -- and i think this has to do with the taboo nature of the activity -- it's not until you are 21 that you can legally consume -- though apparently, high school drinking is far more rampant than I thought-- and i know college drinking is a cherished pasttime... so, you're 3 years into adulthood before you're legal... weird. I wonder if in cultures where drinking age is not an issue -- if adults have such a juvenile view of alcohol ...

i wonder what would happen if I said, "I can't wait to get home and have a cold pepsi" -- or, "this weekend, I'm going to watch football and drink a six pack of pepsis" -- or, "my buddies and I are going fishing and we're bringing lots of pepsi" -- see how silly that sounds? -- doesn't it sound just as crazy to say, "we're going to kill a case of beer," "yeah, we're going to get plastered" ... or "man, I love jim's barbecues, he's always got plenty of beer."

weird. to me. and perhaps me alone.

anyway, i've come to accept drinking -- and to not condemn those who drink -- though if I were ever given a vote, and the issue came up, i might still vote against alcohol -- for prohibition -- to keep drinking out of college campus basketball facilities, etc... hmm.

well, that may offer a bit more explanation on an issue on which i have been commenting some lately...
- posted by rock @ 11:07 AM

 
DebateGirl

I'm introducing a new character -- for people who've read me since I started, I began in a "story" format -- so, I'll continue when significant new characters come in to play -- from the beginning, there was Me, my wife, and girls A and B.

Now, there is DebateGirl. I just saw her today for the first time in almost a year. She was/is a student on the college debate team i coach (super-nerdy, i know) -- She was studying overseas for the last two semesters. She's attractive in an exotic, unusual, and wonderful way

She's brilliant -- one of the top students at the school, one of the best debate students i've known.

She came by today to tell me she was back -- and ask about debate and just talk -- we talked for over an hour -- we have a good rapport -- but I feel like I lose my thoughts and am less coherent when I talk to her one on one -- and she gives off signals, too -- touching her belt a lot, playing with her hair... there's an apparent (or at least underlying) interest on both our parts... and of course, being an honorable teacher, I feel uncomfortable about these uncomfortable feelings (plus, i'm married) ...

we have always been able to have long talks about a wide range of issues... and become entranced in the conversations and each other's ideas...

if i could pick a next wife, it would be her (wow, i said that?) -yes, I said it, and I'm leaving it b/c that's what I thought when I was talking to her... a lot of honesty here right now...

i believe after this year she'll be leaving to go to grad school -- but I have a feeling that won't be the last i'll see of her ... or she of me...

i'll continue to refer to her as "DebateGirl" for now and in future posts... today, she was an unexpected and pleasant surprise...


- posted by rock @ 1:35 PM

 
CHOCOLATE!

I love chocolate ... love it!! crave it, even!

i have heard and read that chocolate and alcohol both help release endorphins -- and create the chemical reaction that is similar to when one has an orgasm... hence, people crave chocolate or alcohol -- or both, for that wonderful feeling -- i say, why not just have MORE sex...!?

ok, anyway, so my craving may be explained by a need -- or desire for a chemical release -- but whatever the case, chocolate kicks ass...

on another note, thanks for all the awesome comments on the "you should be good for a month..." ... yeah, i was pretty pissed-- am still pretty pissed.. and we've tried talking about sex at times before... and, we at one time made a commitment to trying at least once a week... we even did some creative, spontaneous stuff...

maybe my wife secretly harbors desires of being "attacked" ... but it doesn't seem that way -- any time I attempt to "take charge" during an encounter, she balks -- she resists ... she says, "stop" -- she won't let me kiss her legs... she forces me into the same routine, in the same position in the same style ... when i try something new, she gets frustrated, or stops, sometimes, she'll give me oral sex... and say she feels "guilty" b/c I haven't had any sex in a while... she has said before she doesn't feel like a good wife... and what do i say to that? ... I don't want a "guilty" blowjob -- i want someone who wants me...

and right now, i want chocolate!!
- posted by rock @ 12:31 PM

 
long weekend

It was a long weekend ... that's all. A nice time to rest, relax, read...

my wife turned to me last night as we were sitting on the couch -- nearing bedtime -- she said, "you're not going to 'attack' me are you?" -- anytime she thinks i'm remotely interested in having sex with her (more than the usual just being a guy and horny) -- she says i'm ready to "attack" her ... of course, she would never attack me... and of course, we can't have sex at all unless it's nighttime, we're in bed, etc... then, we're both limited to one orgasm each -- though most of the time, she won't let me make her cum...

so, yes, we had sex last night -- it was nice -- but i was preoccupied due to her lack of passion and interest... when we were done, she said, "you should be good for about a month or so now..."...

yeah, i guess. i mean, if it's going to be like that, i'd rather just jack off...

so i asked her,"why aren't you interested in sex" -- she said, "it's too much work..." -- funny, i don't view it as work at all .. to all you wives out there -- surprise your husband with a blowjob when he gets home from work from time to time... and make sure he returns the favor -- consider having sex on the couch in the middle of the day... after you and your husband have been out for a walk, fuck the hell out of him... and yes, let him have nasty, delightful sex with you...

too much work... whatever... I'm a gentle and patient lover -- despite what we see in porn, I know that most women are gentle creatures... that their bodies require careful attention -- and i'm willing and able to attend to that need... yeah, sometimes, i would just like the quick, hot, fast fuck -- but then after that, maybe a slower, hotter, more intense build-up... anyway, she said, "i do love you -- it's just that sex doesn't do too much for me... i'd rather just read or something..."

ok, fine -- but now, i'm rethinking all my effort at premarital abstinence... maybe if I had screwed around a bit in my college days, I'd feel better now -- like, "well, at least i got to have some great sex a few years ago..." .. now, I have a good wife, etc... but then, if that had been the case, my current wife might not be my wife... would that be bad? hmmm...


- posted by rock @ 2:28 PM